No Longer Worthless

Where do I get my check?

My blog is worth $564.34.
How much is your blog worth?

Get Your Pineapple While It's Hot

BI'75 has thing-ness - check it out by searching "Mary Early" at Washington Post.

ETA: Removed actual link because WP was being all Big Brother on me.

Flight To 1955

Yesterday afternoon, Annoying Co-Worker, Tiny Show-Off Girl and I flew to HQ's home state for a work event. TS-OG stepped away to call her husband to see how he was feeling as he has been suffering from bronchitis. When she returned, AC-W asked:

What arrangements did you make for [Spouse of Tiny Girl] for dinner? For his bedtime?

TS-OG blinked very hard and replied:

Oh, I'm sure he'll find something to eat.

I waited for her to comment on the bedtime question, and when she didn't, I chimed in:

I think he knows what time to go to bed, too.

TS-OG added:

Exactly. He's a night owl, I don't even know what time he goes to
sleep because I'm already asleep.

At that, AC-W blinked very hard as, I know from previous conversations, she and her spouse always go to bed at the same time and eat at the same time and probably poop at the same time. She claims that he has literally burned a pot of water. If she has to travel, she makes him an afternoon snack and a dinner dish for each night she is gone. What is amazing is that she is was upset that TS-OG doesn't do that for her husband and not upset that she acts like her own husband's servant/mother.

It's Official

People don't care anymore. I saw a young woman in workout clothes on the Metro tonight carrying a small tote bag (about 6x6x4) stuffed with her street clothes. She was also carrying a plastic produce bag with her coffee mug, dirty dishes and her bra. Yes, her bra. It was tan and padded and, I would estimate, a 36B. It wasn't so big that she couldn't have stuffed it her little tote (which was very not cute, by the way). Why did she have to put it in the clear plastic bag for the world to see? I hope she has "gym bag" on her holiday wish list in big letters.

Suckers!

I do not have what could be described as the best library record. Before the advent of computers, whenever I had too many overdue books, I would simply "lose" my library card and get a fresh one and start the cycle over again. Then one day that didn't work. I owed money. Big money. So I left the library and never went back. Until today.

Today, the Martin Luther King Public Library issued me a library card. I was so nervous going in. In the event that they looked up my name and found that I had hundreds of overdue books, BI'75 was to throw a handful of confetti in the librarian's face while I made a getaway. I was fully expected sirens to go off and a net to drop from the ceiling but the librarian just handed me my new card and wished me pleasant reading.

I guess the DCPL hasn't heard the old adage "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me." And that was some kind of foolish giving the likes of me a library card!

She's Back!

It's been a while and I know you've missed her, so back by popular demand, here's Annoying Co-Worker!

E*: You have a voice mail
AC-W: I never check it; I never get messages.
E: Well, you have one.

* I was looking at her phone becuase I had to check everyone's because of a problem with our phone system.

Indian Yoga Versus Irish Yoga

Can you guess which is which?

I'm Worthless!

My blog is worth $0.00.
How much is your blog worth?

Vacation Bar

Since the Lounge burned down, I have been searching for a replacement watering hole. I've tried many potentials but none feel quite right. The closest, and most surprising, possibility has been the Pour House. It's one block from the Lounge and has drawn in many refugees. Also, it's run by former Lounge bartenders and has taken in a lot of the staff left unemployed by the fire. But I still don't feel quite at home there; in fact, I feel a little like I'm on vacation. This has the unfortunate result of me drinking like I'm on vacation which means I got super, think-I'm-in-my-20's drunk three times last week. Now I need a vacation from my vacation bar.

12" Too Much, 6"...Just Not Enough

A 6" sub, no matter how loaded, will not fill you up. The 12", however, is daunting; no one needs that much sandwich. I feel pressured to eat all 12" and often wind up too full. My solution: Subway should make 9" subs. "However will they do that? The system is based on 12" rolls cut in half to make 2 6" rolls," you ask? I have given this careful thought and here are the options:

1. Cut off 3" and donate the remainders to food kitchens
   (a'la the muffin top)
2. Cut off 3" and offer a 3" sub
3. Just bake a damn 9" roll!

What A Doll

They didn't have a "curvy" doll so let's pretend I'm skinny for a minute.

Lifelong Research Finally Realized

Name That Candy Bar!

Arrggh & Avast Ye, Matey

Healy has just reminded me that tomorrow is International Talk Like A Pirate Day. For your enjoyment, the original list of "Things Scurvy Pirates Never Say.

1. I need a manicure, arrggh.
2. Would ye like yer daily vitamin supplement? Arrggh.
3. Arrggh, me psychiatrist says I'm transferring me anger at me brother.
4. Would ye like some vegemite? Arrggh.
5. Arrggh ye going to Scarsborough Fair?
6. Would ye like another slice of quiche? Arrggh.

Geek vs. Dork vs. Nerd

BI'75 says I am nerd. I say I am dork. Wikipedia says I'm a geek (although I would argue that their definition should be reassigned to dork whose definition they have deleted).

I fully admit to being a dork/wikipedia-geek. I love trivia. I love senseless facts. I obsess over random subjects (i.e., calendar reform). But Wikipedia, my spiritual home, says I am a geek; not a dork.

What do you say?

No Underpants

Contrary to popular (or maybe just my) belief, the Red Cross does not need underpants. Or pajamas or canned food or any other items. They just need our moola and we should give it to them. Click on the banner to the right to help out.

Is It Wrong...

...that I have been craving pralines all day?

STDs & You

Actual conversation with my mother:

Mom: (while rubbing her lower abdomen) Do you ever get crabs?
Me: Cramps?
Mom: No, crabs.
Me: Crabs are pubic lice.
Mom: Really? I thought crabs was diarrhea.
Me: No, it's pubic lice.
Mom: (giggles)
Me: I hope you haven't been telling people you have crabs.
Mom: No, no. Anyway, I was wondering if you had diarrhea from lunch.
Me: Nope, no diarrhea. Besides, we had different things.
Mom: Well, we ate at the same place.
Me: I don't think they sprinkle diarrhea powder on the food at Au Bon Pain.

And this is the woman who taught me about the birds and the bees.

Edited...because, unlike all the folks who have written "Pubic Defender" in their resumes, I wrote "public" instead of "pubic".

Tainted Blog

The following "comment" has appeared on a recent entry:

Anonymous said...
I like a good blog when I see one. I also have a dental plan blog for others to learn more about dental plan. Stop on by!

Another reason to hate the dentist.

By The Skin of Her Teeth

This is a connection I think I would be glad to miss.

Then I'm NOT Sorry

At Pentagon City this afternoon, while BI'75 was picking out new glasses, I bought myself some pretzel sticks and settled on the bench outside of Lenscrafters to wait for her. When I sat down, I did so with more force than I intended. I glanced at the other person sitting on the bench to find that she was glaring at me with unbridled hostility.

"Sorry," I smiled.
"What are you sorry about," she replied, still staring at me.
"I'm sorry I shook the bench so hard."
"You don't need to be sorry about that. I'm done taking sorry as an excuse for everything. People say they are sorry all the time but that is just some bullshit."

And she gathered her belongings and stalked off.

My Daily Treat

One of my favorite things are Flavigny flavored candies. I'm not too picky; I like the anise, lavender, jasmine and (newly discovered) rose flavors equally. I have (at least) one each night before I go to bed.



I discovered lavender pastilles when I was five - I loved the container and begged to have some and then I had to actually eat them! I've been hooked ever since and have now decided that others' lives are lacking if they do not know the delicious joy that is a flower flavored pastille. One taste and you are in Provence and that ain't a bad place to be.

General Question to the Assembly

Why does Jon Stewart suck so much in the new studio?

Move Along There, Cletus

This was forwarded to me by Healy accompanied by the question "Was this written by you???" Hip hip hooray for John Kelly for printing in the newspaper of record what the rest of us scream in our heads every day.

List of Grievances

Things that I don't like about Mr. and Mrs. Early being back:

1. Stepping on pistachio shells
2. Fishing cheese slice wrappers out of the sink
3. Finding potato chips tucked in the corner of my laptop screen
4. Not being to find any other potato chips because Mr. Early ate them all
5. Having to explain to Mr. Early why people say "fuck" so much while trying to watch a show on HBO
6. Being volunteered (ordered) to do mundane household tasks that I would do anyway
7. Finding that my leftovers have been eaten by someone else
8. Coming home and finding that the puzzles in the Post have been filled in...wrong...in pen
9. Not being able to find my mail for days until it shows up on my bed
10. Being woken up at ungodly hours because Mr. Early wants me to go with him to the store and run in and get [fill in random item] while he waits in the car

Are You Mine?

See you Saturday!

Why Is Chauncey Dancing?

Because he just found out it's his first birthday and

goats get really excited about that kind of thing.

Happy Birthday, Chauncey Gardener!

Further To My Post On 2/11/2005

They never fell.

Tom Cruise, MD

Who the hell does Tom Cruise think he is? First he bashes Brooke Shields for using therapy and anti-depressants to battle post-partum depression and now he is telling Matt Lauer that he is irresponsible and uneducated for advocating the use of hard drugs on unwilling children (Ritalin for hyperactive kids). Where the hell are his meds? Whoever let Tom's keeper go on vacation needs to call them back toot sweet.

My Boyfriend's Back

There is only one person that I could describe to BI'75 as “The most horrible person in the world. The person you hate above all others.” and have her instantly answer “Nick.” My ex, now for over three years (although he harassed me for one and ½ of those years), is allegedly back in town. When I arrived at the Lounge tonight for Wendy and my weekly outing (truth be told, I make other outings but only once a week with Wendy), Sebastian, the morbidly obese bouncer, said “I should warn you, your ex was here last night.” Apparently, he has managed to graduate from law school and is taking the Maryland bar. When Wendy asked if I wanted to go somewhere else, I answered “This is my fucking bar.” According to Sebastian, Nick is conscious of this and was “spreading around much respect” about me.

I wonder why he even needed to bring me up; a normal person would be nonchalant, pretend that there is no issue instead of bringing up the issue. He knows that I don't want anything to do with him; I think my exact words the last time he called me were “never, ever, ever, ever, never contact me again.” I almost wish I had run into him tonight just to get it over with; now I feel as though he could attack at any time. Beware, the Nick is lurking.

Good Things Come To Those Who Wait

I want to avoid overstating this so let me see how I can phrase it best...THE BEST THING EVER HAS HAPPENED. We were at Target and had made our way through the clothes and purses and I was headed to the lotions and potions aisle to see if there was some sort of serum or concealer that I absolutely had to have when I saw a familiar pale green out of the corner of my eye. I thought "That looks like Botanics' packaging but that just can't be." I moved closer. I couldn't believe my eyes; Boots has opened an aisle in Target.

They are selling their top lines, including Botanics which makes a lavender lip balm that I am so addicted to that I recently had Healy send me four tubs. This is part of Boots' strategy to corner the market on on health and beauty products and I, for one, am ready and willing to be marketed to.

Irrational Pet Peeve of the Day

My irrational pet peeve of the day is when people don't have HTML as the default format on their emails and, when I reply to their email and want to use HTML, I have to change the setting from plain text to HTML. IT'S 2005! GET WITH THE PROGRAM.

But...But...

If it's made of 100% chicken breast, how can it be a wing?

My Eyes!

So all those carrots I asked my mom to put in my lunch were for naught. I admit, I suspected as much when the eye doctor told me my vision was 3000/20.

'Ello, That's Right Clean, In'it?

Continuing the theme of unbelievable spokespeople: Are we supposed to believe the British cleaner than we? The don't even have showers!

*For those who haven't had the pleasure, Greased Lighting has been playing a series of ads with a British mum using the cleaning product. Her straight-laced British husband comes upon her cleaning and wants to do her because her kitchen is so clean.

Brand Spankin' New Energy Source!

Does the government think we have amnesia? How could we forget dead canaries, black lung and trapped miners? Hell, there are twelve coal miners trapped in China right now! And, is this really the best theme song for coal use?

Some people say a man is made outta' mud
A poor man's made outta' muscle and blood
Muscle and blood and skin and bones
A mind that's a-weak and a back that's strong

You load sixteen tons, what do you get?
Another day older and deeper in debt
Saint Peter don't you call me 'cause I can't go
I owe my soul to the company store

I was born one mornin' when the sun didn't shine
I picked up my shovel and I walked to the mine
I loaded sixteen tons of number 9 coal
And the store boss said "Well, a-bless my soul"

I was born one mornin', it was drizzlin' rain
Fightin' and trouble are my middle name
I was raised in the canebrake by an ol' mama lion
Cain't no-a high-toned woman make me walk the line

If you see me comin', better step aside
A lotta men didn't, a lotta men died
One fist of iron, the other of steel
If the right one don't a-get you, then the left one will

Were the rights to Loretta Lynn's Coal Miner Daughter not for sale?

Tricky Tricky

This was a trick question. The real answer is:

You are a shopaholic and bought all four.

The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People because of my "business enhancement tip" and "new professional endeavors". Bleachy-Haired Honky Bitch because I read a review that said she was the female David Sedaris and how can you pass that up? The Habit: A History of the Clothing of Catholic Nuns because of my Catholic upbringing, fear of nuns in habit and interest in the history of fashion. And Y: The Last Man Volume 5: Ring of Truth (not because I am a "scavian") because graphic novels are the new literature and this series rocks.

You Think You Know Me?

Which of the following books did I just buy?

The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People
Bleachy-Haired Honky Bitch
The Habit: A History of the Clothing of Catholic Nuns
Y: The Last Man Volume 5: Ring of Truth

Please to comment...

Some Guy Named Earley

The new link under "Other People" is to my cousin Tim's new blog Flashcards for the Hermeneutically Aggressive. Some might notice that, on his profile, Tim spells his surname Earley. I would like to take this moment to point out that Tim is not a distant relative; he is my first cousin. Tim's father is my father's younger brother. Here is a list of my father and his brothers' surnames:

Jack Early
Jeff Earley
Jim Early (my dad)
Jerry Earley

We can talk about the J theme another day.

Notice the even split between the LYs and LEYs, as we are respectively called. If you were to ask my father why two of his brothers insist on the extra E, his response is always "They don't know how to spell." If you push him, though, you will get a more plausible explanation. I come from a family of jokers and liars and this explanation has been attributed to the King of them all, Uncle Jack, and it's veracity has never been confirmed.

My father was born an Earley in 1931. In 1937, President Roosevelt appointed a man named Stephen Early as his press secretary. We may or may not be distantly related; there are so few Early/Earley's in both Ireland and America that we are probably all cousins of some kind. As a Southerner and a victim of the depression, my grandfather was a huge supporter of Roosevelt and changed the spelling of our last name to Early. My father went through school spelling his name Early but when he joined the army as James Early and was asked for his birth certificate, the one he presented said he was James Earley and Uncle Sam was not amused. My father wrote his sister Mary Nell (not listed above as she is no longer an Early or an Earley) and asked her to get him a new birth certificate that said Early and, since their cousin worked in the county records office, this was not a problem. Dad really could have gone Earley at this point but he thought Early makes more sense and, frankly, so do I.

The name Early in Ireland is derived from the native Gaelic O'Maolmhoicheirghe. The name translates from Gaelic as 'early rising'. Earley smacks of Anglicization. The extra E is insult upon injury. And that's just not how you spell Early!

We're Free! We Can Do Anything We Want!

Apparently you need an advanced degree in reading knowledge bases to set up a wireless network. Unfortunately, I dropped out of college before dial-up was even common place but I seem to have managed this and am now blogging from the comfort of my bedroom while watching "Diary of an Affair" on the Style Network (Sidebar: What a terrible show. They should stick with "How Do I Look" and "The Look for Less")

So now that I have this incredible freedom of blogging on any floor of the house, I find that I don't have much to say. I could wax poetical about the, not one, but two pairs of shoes that I found today. I could whine about the mysterious demagnetization of the SmarTrip card that I've used for six years without incident. I could write even more on the absolute crappiness that is "Diary of an Affair" (really must change channel). I could talk about how Bo Bice's unprecedented choice of singing a capella in the finals was a stroke of genius (and admit to voting for him several times). I could write an ode to my new Motorola RAZR.

OK, so I have lots to say. I just haven't been able to crystallize all my thoughts with ease lately. I'm dying for a three-day weekend. It's a looooooong stretch between Good Friday and Memorial Day.

I Got Nothing

Nada. Zip. Blippity blop blip. I'm very boring this week. Maybe I'm boring every week. I'm constantly cycling - sleep, work, drink, TV, and sleep again. I need some excitement. Who has some excitement for me?

Did You Know...

...that there are leap seconds?

If I Were A Rich Man

Ya ha deedle deedle, bubba bubba deedle deedle dum.
If I were a biddy biddy rich, Yidle-diddle-didle-didle man

USA Votes

Try and see how DC votes. Just try.

I Knew Someday My Bike Would Come

Purdue University industrial designers have designed a trike/bike that starts as a tricycle and turns into a bicycle as the rider pedals faster. The designers intend for this new design to replace bicycles with old fashioned training wheels (the kind that the parent needs to hold onto as the child learns to balance), freeing the parent of one more responsibility towards the child. Hopefully industrial designers will come out with more parent-free products and, soon, children can just raise their damn selves.

My parents weren't really concerned with bicycle related responsibilities and I never learned to ride. Well, that isn't exactly true - an older friend (when I say older, I mean she was eight) taught me and I had a horrible crash and spent the next three days in bed and have never been able to ride a bike since. Do you think they will make the b/trike for adults?

Riddle Me This

Why is "Sweet Home Alabama" playing on the new Kentucky Fried Chicken commercials? Doesn't Kentucky have their own song?

Rotten Apples

Why is it that, every time I walk into a hotel room in New York City, I want to kill myself? Even Hyatts and Hiltons look like they have hourly rates so you can imagine the the Penn Station Howard Johnson's was a little...dumpy. The elevator was 3 x 3 with a push door and the halls were barely wider than my suitcase. My room was roasting and I wanted to open the window but there was no screen and I was afraid a rat or pigeon would come in so I could only open it a crack. I managed to get some sleep but couldn't shake the feeling that SUV was down the hall investigating a hooker's murder.

Cease & Desist

Since January 14, I have been receiving unsolicited emails inviting me to a surprise birthday party/trip for a person I barely know and don't particularly like (blogged here and here). I have not responded to a single one of the emails nor did I even put a NO on the evite. Today I received the following email:

Dr. Dan and the Doomsday Debauchery

THIS IS COMING UP FAST!!! I need to t-shirt count, among other things - even if you are not attending, please let me know how many shirts you want and what size. The cost will not be too high (in the $7-$12 range, depending on how many total we get).

There are people who not only want to go but are willing to commemorate it with a fucking t-shirt? Am I the only person who feels harassed by these invitations? Can I get a restraining order? Should I get my mom to tell his mom that I hate him and all of his friends now?

I tried a passive aggressive tactic that did not work. The main perpetrator (we'll call her Crazy Email Bitch) works for a company that my company would love to do business with. I gave my sales director CEB's email and told him to do his worst. I had hoped that it would get traced back to me and, when asked why I would just give out someone's email address without asking, I was going to respond "Oh, I thought that's what we did since I get an email from one of your friends every fucking day." But no such luck and I'm still stuck on this roller coaster.

Any ideas that will not result in my mom saying to me in her "disappointed" tone, "Danny was really hurt when you called his friend a crazy bitch and told her to leave you alone."

Kosher For Passover

Viagra is no longer hametz and old, randy Jews don't have to lose out on eight days of sex. I thought we wanted to avoid things that rise during Pesach?

And My World Is Turned Upside Down

Today, I found out the the chorus to "The Weight" but The Band is:

Take a load off, Fanny, take a load for free; take a load
off, Fanny, and (and) (and) you can put the load right on me.

I have spent my whole life thinking her name was Annie. Talk about blowing my mind.

On a plus side, this is one more funny Fanny I have to send to Colleen who uses the first defintition for fanny.

Da' Bomb

Spring is here and I am dying for a bomb pop.
Must get to a Good Humor truck ASAP.

I Demand To Be Heard

I don't think the Washington Post is going to publish my letter so I shall will do it myself.

The April 8th Weekender article detailing "suggestions for fun before and after home games" made a mistake in glossing over the multitude of restaurants, bars and shops on Capitol Hill. While Ms. Zibart did mention Union Station and the Irish pubs nearby, she left out the much of the SE quadrant of the Hill where the stadium is actually located.

To get to Union Station or the Penn Quarter from RFK Stadium on the Metro, one would have to take the Blue or Orange line to Metro Center and transfer to the Red line and double back. Many of the other suggestions are even further. But Eastern Market and Capitol South are just a few stops away. Ms. Zibart did mention the food stalls at Eastern Market at the end of her article but added nothing about the restaurants and shops on the very same block. She also suggested a visit to the Navy Museum but forgot about 8th Street/Barracks Row, Capitol Hill's new dining district. There was absolutely no mention of the two blocks near Capitol South full of popular restaurants and bars.

One of the main arguments for bringing baseball to DC was to bring revenue to DC. Who needs that revenue more than the very neighborhoods surrounding the temporary ball field? Suggestions to travel out to Rockville for movies or to Clarendon for ethnic food defeat that purpose. It also raises the question: if ticket holders are directed away from the Capitol Hill area to spend their money elsewhere, what will happen to SW and SE businesses when the permanent stadium is built on South Capitol Street?

Let's see an article with real suggestions for activities in the area surrounding the stadium and save lists of places that are metro accessible for the tourists.

THERE WILL BE NO SEEING!

ACW told me today that:

• She didn't believe in allergies
• Some person who wanted to get rich made allergies up
• She never heard of such a thing in India
• "We'll see" if allergies are real

Paso Robles, A Pictorial

This is at the second winery (before our eyes began to cross)

"Why, yes, m'lord, I would adore another glass of wine!"

What we don't have a picture of is BI'75 measuring the barrels to see how many we could fit in the trunk.

BI'75 and her bitches chillin' in the Limo

The Trials of Wine Tasting

This is just an entry to get my feet wet after being so derelict in my duties to my five faithful readers. After a week of vacation, I came back to a steaming pile of work which has taken up far too much of my time.

While we were in CA, we drove north to Paso Robles where we rented a limo and drove around (ahem, were driven...by a driver who was missing 1/2 of his right pointer finger!) to a bunch of wineries and got quite silly. After we had bought about 5 cases of wine, we had the limo drop us at a restaurant in town where we had a great meal. When we ordered dessert, we asked the hostess to call us a cab. After a few minutes, she came to our table and told us that taxis in Paso Robles don't run after 7:00 PM. And it was 8:15. And we had sent Fingerless Rick away. And there are no sidewalks in CA.

Chris called the Hampton Inn to inquire as to if they had a service for stranded guests. They thought it would be best to transfer him to the local police who, you will be surprised to hear, were not interested in giving us a lift. Chris reminded the local constabulary that we were in this pickle because we were obeying the laws regarding driving under the influence but they still declined to take us back to our hotel. After confirming that the police would not arrest us for walking on the freeway or hitchhiking if it came to that, Chris redialed the Hampton Inn and asked for the manager. He was placed on hold a few times (apparently, no one has ever dared to ask for the manager; she is sort of like the Wizard of Oz) and then finally transferred with Night Manager. Night Manager seemed unconcerned at our situation but after Chris explained it to her four more times, she offered to come get us at the end of her shift in 45 minutes. At the same time, the waitress was telling me that the hostess could drive us back to our hotel right then.

So we had the 16 year old hostess driveus back to our hotel and gave her $20.00 for her troubles and then we spent the rest of the night shouting “I can’t BELIEVE it!” and “You can get a taxi in freakin’ Johnson, Vermont!” and “Who doesn’t have taxis after 7:00!?”

Pain In The Neck

I just found out that Boss Man hired a temp for a day while I was gone because, apparently, they couldn't handle the urgent project that got dumped in their laps. I am mad that I wasn't here to boss the temp around and that the temp totally messed up my very carefully arranged monitor/keyboard/mouse system in a way that caused me immediate neck pain. I think it was supposed to be a secret because it only came out because of the invoice. This proves what I have always known - they can't handle shit without me.

New Rule

When I arrived at the office today after being away for over a week, I fully expected to open the door and have my co-workers tackle me screaming things like "How do I send a fax?" and "Where are the pens?" and "How do I turn my computer on?". I was very surprised to find the door locked (especially since it was almost 10:00). Apparently ACW is home with her son, Sales Guy is sick and Boss Man is traveling. I had the office ALL TO MYSELF and it was AWESOME. I actually got to catch up on my workload instead of 1,000,000 fires being dumped in my lap. I think everyone should always take the day after my vacation ends off.

Eau de Jesus

Just in time for Holy Week: His Essence. And I here always thought he smelled like sweat and goats.

Happy Mr Early Day

Shout out to my dad - celebrating 74 years of being cute and grumpy. Let's all raise a chilly glass of chardonnay and spoonful of peanut butter to Mr Early.

Edited a day late and a dollar short to say:
I think I finally got this. It isn't streaming, but it works.
So click 1938 Dad for a cute video of 2004 Dad.

For a special treat - click here for 1955 Dad.

Avril Lavigne, You're So Punk Rock

Quote of the Day

MAC is really good for ass kissing.
When you ass kiss, you need to MAC it up.

- Wanda Sykes after being asked by Mo Collins what lipstick you wear to ass kiss

A Grave Error In Judgment

Safeway just sent me a sample of Upstream Dream. Safeway is obviously tracking my purchases well enough to know that I have a cat but not well enough to know that I have never purchases wet food for him. In fact, in his 12 years, Alobar has never had wet food (aside from the occasional bowl of jus d'tuna). But here was this shiny package of wet food and it sounded delicious even to me and I hate salmon (but am a whore for anything with crab) so I put it in his special tuna dish. He ate 4/5 of it and went and passed out in the living room and now I'm sure he will never eat dry food again.

LaLa Land

My mom's sister moved to LA in 70's. I have definitely been there 5 times (two bat mitvahs, one bar mitvah and two weddings) and probably another 3-5 times that I can't think of. I've been to Disney Land and the Getty and Malibu and Beverly Hills. I was in an live audience taping of an
episode of "The Facts of Life". I have seen the Chinese theatre and the stars on the sidewalk. So what should I do for a week there without any family obligations?

Why DOES Jackie Chan Love Me So Much?

Our son Jesse, at 6, loved Jackie Chan above all mortals. “When I get big, I'm going to help Jackie Chan,” he announced. Great, great, we murmured. “When I help Jackie Chan, can I still live at home?” he anxiously asked one night at bedtime.

“Sure, sweetie, you'll live at home and just travel to help Jackie every day.”

“Will my name be Jesse Chan when I'm big?” he asked on another occasion.

“I'm sure that will make Jackie very proud,” I said.

Sighing happily one night at bedtime, he asked, “Why does Jackie Chan like me so much?”

We were so far off-script now, we would never find our way back to “Shanghai Noon.”

The Way We Live Now: Sandlot Summer
by Melissa Fay Greene
New York Times Magazine
11/28/2004

It's Not Warm

The forecast on the radio this morning said it would be 38F which is practically 40F which I call cool instead of cold. Sick of big red coat (which needs to be cleaned so badly), I wore a hooded sweatshirt and a cotton peacoat thinking that, in addition to the the two shirts I was wearing (because layering is cool), that I would be warm enough. Not so. It is NOT 38F. It is 30F with a windchill of 19F. I am afraid to go outside. It was almost 70F on Monday! WTF!?

Now That's What I Call An Ad Campaign

Maybe the Campaign For Our Children should try something like this. I know I find it more effective than smug women in bridal gowns.

My Doctor Is No Fun

Dr. F gave me three choices in dealing with my blood pressure:

1. Quit smoking
2. Aggressively lose weight
3. Medication

She also made it clear that even if I chose #3, I still need to do #1 and #2 and if I chose just #1, I still need to do #2 and vice-versa. So she handed me a prescription to Wellbutrin, told me to not have any nicotine (gum included) after one week from today and sent me on my way. So now I have to go on a diet without the help of my sweet cigarettes and I'm really not sure how one goes about that. I've asked my skinniest friend to help me and she is very excited. Hopefully some of her enthusiasm will rub off on me. I just don't get what's so wrong about enjoying a cigarette, a steak and a beer. People used to eat red meat every night and drink martinis at lunch and smoke at their obstetrician offices and the human race was FINE! What's different?

Brave New World

Are we that far off from this? Will I care that much as long as get some Soma with my Big Brother?

(Turn up your volume!)

WTF Moment of the Week

McDonald's was out of fries. I went to the McDonald's in the Pentagon City food court for the sole purpose of buying delicious, crispy, golden-brown french fries and a chocolate shake. I was then going to dip the fries in the shake and enjoy it very much. But McD's was out of fries. And shakes. What the hell kind of McDonald's is out of french fries? In my 30 years of McDonald's eating, I have never been denied fries. Aren't they an American right?

When I Am An Old Woman...

...I want to be her!

In The Navy

Now that would have been the headline for this if I ran the news.

The Perils of A Little Free Time

Does this make me a nerd? It's a good thing that I already have a cat because it appears that I am well on my way to cat-ladydom.

Old Bay & Fertilizer

As I lay in bed this morning, I turned on NBC to listen for news of the impending snow and I heard a commercial that I will now paraphrase.

Please stop putting fertilizer in the Bay as it is killing the crabs and the crabs shouldn't die...yet. Not until the end of summer and then they should be smothered in butter. So please stop putting fertilizer in the Bay.

I love this bare bones approach to environmentalism. Don't save the crabs because they deserve a better life, save them so we can eat them later!

0" Snow Cripples Capital City

Again, we are under a deluge of...nothing. As of 8:30 AM there was no snow but all the schools in the region, including the District's (notorious for never closing) were closed. At 9:00 AM, I saw some flurries but, other than that, our big blizzard is a bust.

Stressedy Stress Stress

My doctor, who told me on Monday that I was having anxiety attacks, prescribed me Xanax and told me to take steps to reduce the stress in my life, just called to follow up on the blood work I had on Tuesday. After telling me it was all fine and I was, in fact, just stressed, she proceeded to ask me if that was my voice on our message and to ask me why I didn't tell people right away that our extensions have changed (which I do) . She went on and on about, almost to the point of berating me, and IT REALLY STRESSED ME OUT!

Is Nothing Sacred?

Bugs Bunny 7.0 has arrived. I felt a pain in my heart when I read this. Can you imagine this creature saying "What's up, Doc?" Rabbits are scary enough without looking like Grady Stiles.

Marry Your Baby Daddy Day

Social conscience or good publicity?

Life Is Shit

I went to the doctor and she says that the seven heart attacks I had in the last three days were really panic attacks. I'm not sure how anxiety is getting past my tag-team duo of Lithium and Paxil but apparently there is a chink in the defenses. She rewarded me with Xanax and I am to take some the next time I go into cardiac arrest. Just now, I was walking to CVS to buy a tiny notebook so I could record my BP and other symptoms as they crop up (because nothing heals like office supplies) and a bird shit on my arm so I guess my luck is looking up.

Fo' Shizzle

E Gizoogled.

Happy Presidents Day

At Georgetown Visitation Preparatory School, there was a bulletin board where anyone who was anyone got notes from their bestest friends. Everyone checked it as they walked by, even if they had never gotten even a message from the office. On Valentines Day, the board was overflowing, which is especially interesting as it is an all girls school, and there it was, a pink construction paper heart with my name on it. I took it off the board and unfolded it to find the best Valentine message I have ever received:

Happy President's Day
- Healy*
* It actually said Jenny but she has brainwashed me into called her Healy.

Happy President's Day to all. I hope, unlike me, that you have the day off.

Another Metro Shocker

The metro really has changed. When I took the train home on Thursday, I was a little surprised to see this ad as I left L'Enfant Plaza.

I muttered something to myself about old-fashioned conservatives and went on my way. I had completely forgotten the ad until I got the Capitol South last night and was greeted with this display:

I stopped dead in my tracks and stared, mouth wide open, as hill staffers streamed around me. After my blood started flowing again, it started boiling. Of course married people make more money, the IRS gives them a discount. I would make more money if I didn't have to give more of my paycheck to Uncle Sam. They also have the same financial benefits as any roommates do; it's always cheaper to buy for two. And because they have more money, they can afford to send their kids to private schools and to pay for tutors so naturally their children do better than those of a struggling single mom who has to send her children to public school. Instead of encouraging that woman to find a man, why don't they spend some of their advertising money on after-school programs so that her child has the same advantages as Mr & Mrs Wait Until Marriage's does.

"They", by the way, are Campaign For Our Children, a MD based organization dedicated to reducing the teen birth rate. What I can't figure out is: which side of the fence is CFOC on? They push abstinence as the number one form of birth control but also provide good information on all other forms of birth control and sites Planned Parenthood as the source. They keep a running tally of teen pregnancies vs. teen births, seemingly encouraging abortion. But their "Marriage Works" campaign smacks of the right wing, anti-gay, pro-"family values" conservatism that has infected our government. I just can't figure this out. Any thoughts?

Side note: only 50% of marriages actually "work" - shouldn't they have a disclaimer at the bottom of their posters?

I See London?

For the past few months, I have been getting a ride to and from work with BI'75 who now works just up the street at 14th & P. The money has been piling up on my SmarTrip; I'm thinking of canceling Smart Benefits and putting that $40/month towards my new music download habit. Today, BI'75 had to leave for work at 8:30 and, as I am usually not even out of bed at that time, I decided to take the Metro and was surprised to see that WMATA has changed the in-station digital displays. The displays used to read:

Orange Line to Vienna
Arriving in 23 Minutes

Now, the displays read:

Line

Dest

Min

Orn

Vien

23

Blu

VanDrn

54

Orn

Vien

97

Just like the Tube. Copycats. What's next - "Mind the gap"?

Oh, Zen Micro, We're Together At Last

Zen Micro must have gotten my love note because Amazon sent me one today! I am happily loading it up with all my CDs. I will be submitting the paperwork to legally change my name to E Micro tomorrow.

Happy VD

I'm not a big fan of Valentine's Day. It actually makes me want to puke. All that forced lovey-doviness...blech. But I did have a great V Day once. When I was nine, all I wanted in the world (besides Seventh & The Ragged Tiger on vinyl) was to get my ears pierced. I wanted it so bad that I could taste it. I begged my dad every day and was shot down every day. I finally gave up and resigned myself to a life of naked ear lobes. On Valentine's Day 1985, my dad presented me with a tiny red satin box and, when I opened it, I was very surprised to find two teeny gold studs. Not only was a surprised, I was a little pissed! In fact, I thought this was the meanest present ever!

"Dad," I shouted, "I can't wear these. You won't let me pierce my ears!"

And that is when he told me that I could get my ears pierced, as long as I wore these teeny, elegant gold studs. He has regretted it ever since. I double, triple, quadruple pierced my ears. I pierced my nose. My belly button. I wore safety pins in my ears. He was a broken man. Poor Daddy.

AC-W IV

I just set up this file holder with a folder for each person we send things to in our other office. I sent out an email asking everyone to put items for each person in the appropriate folder. As I clicked send, I just knew AC-W would have something to say about it and was surprised when she did not reply (all of course because she always replies all). Just now she walked over to the shelf where it is and started inspecting it. This is the conversation that followed:

"These folders will fall."
"No, they won't."
"Yes, they will. It's open."
"That is a file holder. It was specifically designed to hold files.
That is all it is for."
"Well, it's open all sides. It's supposed to be boxed in"
"No, it's not."
"The files will fall."
"They won't fall. That is what it is for. That is a file holder. If
you go to Staples.com and look up file holders, you will see a picture
of that item."
"Well, we'll see."
"We won't have to see because that is a file holder and we have been
using it to hold files for three years and that is all it does."
"Wellllll, we'll see."

And she walked off.

Stick A Fork In Me...

...I am done. If I was a steak, I would send me back for being overcooked and not leave a tip when I paid the bill. If I was chicken, I wouldn't be my mother's because she never cooks it long enough. Can I go home now?

My Son-In-Law, The Doctor

I think my mom wants me to marry my dermatologist. Today he outlined the thing on my leg so I could tell if it grows or shrinks. When I showed Mom, she said "That looks like a heart!" Teasingly, I replied "Well, he is young and Jewish." I have never seen her get so excited; she actually began giggling. Now I'm afraid she will begin checking me regularly for strange moles and freckles and saying things like "I'm your mother and I know that wasn't there before. I think you better go see Dr. P."

Allergic to Cheap

A woman came to our office today to meet with my boss and she was wearing an entire can of Designer Imposters. About 5 minutes after she walked in the door I started feeling a little queasy. Since I am on antibiotics, I assumed it was a side effect and carried on. About 15 minutes went by and I felt worse so I went over to CVS where the pharmacist told me that I shouldn't take Pepto Bismol for the nausea because it wouldn't work well with the antibiotics. I bought some saltines and ginger ale and went back to the office. After munching a few crackers and sipping the ginger ale, I still wasn't any better so I turned off the lights, closed the door and laid down on the floor for 20 minutes. Still not better. At this point I had an inkling that it might be the "perfume." I heard the woman leave and decided to get up and get back to work. Within 15 minutes of her departure, I was cured.

Beer O'Clock

It's bad when you can get more work done at home at night with the TV on than you can all day at the office. I would very much like to drink a cold, frosty beer while doing this work but am on anti-biotics. The Rx bottle doesn't say NO ALCOHOL but it also doesn't say DRINK LOTS OF BEER WITH THIS MEDICATION. You would think that the doctor could tell by looking at me that this would need to be specified. Should I risk it?

Antibioticky

Sometimes it seems that the side effects of antibiotics are worse than the benefits. I took 500 mg of Dicloxacillin 52 minutes ago and now I feel distinctly queasy, my mouth is cottony and I'm a little dizzy.

Throwin' It Down 80's Style

Two things of note from last night's The Legwarmers' show.

1. There was a young man of about 23-24 dressed in dead-on 80's fashion. Yellow sweatshirt, vans, red bandanna and a killer robot. Unfortunately, it was the only move he knew and he did it to every song. He did it to "Call Me." He did it to "The Summer of '69." I kept my back to him during "Pour Some Sugar On Me" because if I had caught him roboting away to Def Leppard, I would have had to kick his ass.

2. The gang unit was there. Were they looking for MS13 members getting their wang chung on?

R.I.P Sony Trinitron Color Television

This week, our TV died. The picture and sound is interrupted by bursts of static every ten seconds. Our parents bought this TV in 1989. It was our first TV with a remote control. It was the TV on which my friends and I watched Nightmare on Elm Street at slumber parties. It was the TV that was tuned to MTV the first time I made out with a boy on the brown couch (I will write an ode to the brown couch another day) while my parents were upstairs. It was the TV on which we illegally got HBO on channel zero for almost ten years. It was a good TV.

But our new TV is fuckin' kick ass. 24" flat screen with awesome sound.
I will call it Poopsie.

Zen Micro, I Think I Love You

Dear Zen Micro, I can't stop thinking about you. I know I don't need you in my life but I want you in my life. Love is crazy like that. Others have told me to stay away from you but I don't know if I'm strong enough. Until we meet again... XOXOXOX, E

AC-W III

This is a true story. The names have been changed to protect the freak.

It's 9:45 AM and E has just arrived at work. She puts her bag down, hangs up her coat and grabs her water cup to refill it. As she stands at the water cooler, she looks over her shoulder into AC-W's office and says,

"Good Morning."

"Good Morning," AC-W replies, "How was your day yesterday?" AC-W asks,
referring to the fact that E took the day off on Wednesday to hang out with a
friend who was in town. E wonders why AC-W has to know everything why people in general have to ask how your day was. Why do they care? It's not their day.

"Nice," E responds and returns her attention to pouring the water.

"Aren't you going to ask me how my court date went?" AC-W sounds shocked
and hurt. AC-W is involved in a small claims case which she worries about a
little too much.

"I'm sorry, I forgot. How was it?" E asks politely instead of screaming, Jesus Christ, woman! I just walked in the freaking door! I'm sorry I didn't ask you immediately about your life after you made such a point of asking me about mine, you need freak.

Every day. This is how it is every day.

Love In The Swamp

This girl obviously just moved to DC if she thinks there are any decent men here. The only kind we have are assholes like this. Apparently his main problem with women in DC are that we are fat and ugly. The rest, being stupid, spoiled gold-diggers who already have boyfriends, is just gravy.

Spuds = Comedy

Elliot in the Morning has a new commercial:

Two office workers in the early 30's put a potato in their smug co-worker's tailpipe. They hide in the bushes, giggling and waiting. Smug Co-worker comes out and starts the car and it blows up.

People are emailing and calling DC101 to complain about this commercial, asking how "in times like these" they could show a commercial showing such violence and that people who put potatoes in tailpipes are the kind that bring shotguns to school. I just sent Elliot this email:

From: E
To: elliot@elliotinthemorning.com
Date: Tue, 1 Feb 2005 09:35
Subject: Tailpipe Potato = True Comedy

When I was younger, one of my dad's favorite stories to tell me was "The Time Your Uncle Jeff Put a Potato in the Teacher's Tailpipe." In 1939, my Uncle Jeff put a potato in the tail pipe of his 6th grade teacher's 1937 Pontiac. My uncle, my dad and other accomplices all hid and watched as she tried to start her car. She turned the ignition and the car went "RRRRRRRRRRRR", she tried again and the car went "BBBBBBBB---RRRRRRRRRRRRR" and then she went for a third time and the potato shot out of the tailpipe and off she went never the wiser.

The car did not blow up nor did my father or uncle ever take a shotgun to school. My sister and I, who heard this story many times, also never took a shotgun to school and anyone suggesting a connection is a jackass. I told my father about your commercial and he laughed his ass off.

Youth Literacy

In Barnes & Noble tonight, I overheard the clerk ask a young man if he had a Barnes & Noble card. He replied "No" and she asked him if he would like to sign up for one and he said "Nah, I only buy, like, one book a year."

Kick Ass Mix Tapes

Sometime yesterday I realized that I could recreate all my awesome mix tapes from the 90's using RealRhapsody. I asked Healy to send me the playlists for some tapes I made for her in high school and then I set about recreating MY FIRST MIX TAPE EVER. I actually did not make this mix tape; I got it from Cathy Westbrook who drove me to school when I was freshman and she was a junior. She had gotten it when she was a freshman from her "big sister". It is simply titled "Junior Retreat Mix". Hearing this tape for the first time was a major formative musical experience for me and influenced much of my musical tastes. RR has all but 5 songs (starred).

"Forever Young" - Alphaville *
"Hotel California" - The Eagles *
"American Pie" - Don McLean
"Peace Train" - Cat Stevens
"You’ve Got A Friend" - James Taylor
"Southern Cross" - Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young
"What A Wonderful World" - Louie Armstrong
"Desperado" - The Eagles *
"Only You" - The Yaz
"As Tears Go By" - The Rolling Stones
"Where Everybody Knows Your Name" - Gary Portnoy & Judy Hart *

Side B
"Only The Good Die Young" - Billy Joel *
"Lola" - The Kinks
"Superman" - R.E.M.
"The 59th Street Bridge Song (Feelin' Groovy)" - Simon & Garfunkel
"Come Dancin"' - The Kinks
"Margaritaville" - Jimmy Buffet
"Joker” - The Steve Miller Band
"I Melt With You" - Modern English
"Three Little Birds" - Bob Marley & The Wailers
"Rainy Day Women #12 & 35" - Bob Dylan
"And She Was" - Talking Heads
"Red, Red Wine" - UB40

I Said Rock, Bitch!

"I understand that scissors can beat paper, and I get how rock can beat scissors, but there's no fuckng way paper can beat rock! Paper is supposed to magically "wrap around" rock, rendering itimmobile? Why the hell can't paper do this to scissors? Screw scissors, why can't paper do this to people? Why aren't sheets of notebook paper constantly suffocating students as they attempt to take notes in class? I'll tell you why - BECAUSE PAPER CAN'T BEAT ANYBODY! A rock would tear that shit up in 2 seconds. When I play rock/paper/scissors, I always choose rock. Then when somebody claims to have beaten me with their paper, I punch them in the face with my already clenched fist and say, 'Oh shit, I'm sorry. I thought paper would protect you.'"

-Stolen off another blog that I stumbled on by clicking "next blog".

Another Way To Make Work Less Like Work

I just discovered Real Rhapsody which combines Real Radio and an on-demand music service. Feel like hearing "Paul Revere"? Here ya go! In the mood for a little Southern Rock? No problemo! Op Ivy? Sure! That's just a little bit of what I sampled today. My new favorite song is Scissor Sister's "Take Your Mama". Scissor Sisters will be on SNL this Saturday (a rerun) and they play this song and a disco cover of "Comfortably Numb". Their costumes alone will make it worth it to tune in.

I've Got A Special On Lollipops & Ass-Kickings And I'm All Out Of Lollipops

I would love to be able to kick someone's ass. I don't have anyone in particular in mind; this is more of a general desire. I would like to be able to say "Oh yeah? C'mon, let's go!" and then actually go. I would like to be able to do windmill kicks and flip someone over my shoulder and crush a windpipe. I don't actually want to do these things, I just want to be able to. Like The Rock or Buffy. Unfortunately, if I was in a fight, all I would be able to do is bite and scratch and, if it was with a man, aim a kick at the balls. Should I take up martial arts or is this maybe a vein best left untapped?

The Taxi Driver Is Always Right?

Last night I took a taxi home from Georgetown. The driver asked me the best way to reach my house and I said told him to take the parkway. But he shook his head so I suggested K to 14th to Penn and he still didn't like that and said he wanted to take K to 7th because K wouldn't be crowded at that time of night. I said "whatever" and settled back. He hit K but stayed in the access lane and kept getting stuck behind cars. He turned onto 14th while casting me a look as if to say "you don't see me taking your advice" but didn't turn onto Penn and then got all huffy when we hit traffic between Constitution and Independence. I refrained from pointing out that, as the person who lives at the place we were going to, I just might know the best way to get there. And why did he ask in the first place if he just wanted to go his own long way? And to top it all off - he charged me three zones!

Bias

A very interesting article in The Washington Post Magazine about the Bias Test (link coming tomorrow) pointed me to Project Implicit where I registered to participate in their research. So far I have found that I have a strong automatic preference for John Kerry over George W. Bush and a moderate automatic preference for athletic people of intelligent people (that one was a little surprising). Looking forward to finding out what other biases I have.

Say What?

Just got this email:

Everyone - lodging has been procured! The house sleeps 18, has full everything (including hot tub). Cost will be split equally among the guests(except for The Man) but the total for 4 nights is only $1950, so cost to you will be easily under $200 for the weekend for lodging. See evite for specifics and link to the property.

You're kidding, right?

Fun With Dictionaries

Inauguration Defined

The United States of Texas

This woman does not care about America, she only cares that people know she is an American. Correction: that she is a Texan and then an American. This is a person who put George W Bush in the White House. Take a good look - this is the enemy.

1" Of Snow Cripples Nation's Capital!

Benefit to inauguration discovered - the streets will actually get plowed.

Vegetarian Jerky Is Like Meatless Manwhich

Primal Strips do not taste like jerky. They are moist and smell faintly of fish. Not reccomended.

Annoying Co-Worker II

Here is something that AC-W does every day and it is only a matter of time before I snap. She is often the first person here and she lays in wait in her office for the next arrival. When the next person gets to work, after they (me) don't call out hello immediately she cries out "Hello, hello!" in a sing-song voice. When the new arrival replies back "Hi" or "Good Morning" or, in my case, "Grunt" she then says "Sounds like......E!" as though she is a game show participant. I know who I am! Why is she telling me something that that I have know my whole life?

Goal!

My boss is really big on the goals thing. He has yearly, quarterly and monthly goals for both professional and personal life. He types up a nice, neat list of them and has them laminated. I am not that far thinking (although maybe I should be). My goals tend to be things like "Don't yell at anyone." or "Don't get too drunk." Now I need to come up with a list of my 2005 professional goals. Then we will have a meeting to discuss our entire department's goals and make sure they all coincide with each other's and the company's mission. Then we will laminate.

Yellow Is The New Black

I haven't worn yellow since about March of 1992. That's when our Dean of Students announced that seniors no longer had to wear the yellow uniform oxford or polo shirt. Yellow really only looks good on babies, as demostrated by me here in October of 1974. I don't think I wore yellow after that until I started at Visitation in 1988. Wearing yellow every day for nine months out of the year for almost four years didn't really endear the color to me. So imagine my surprise when I walked into Bannana Republic and fell in love with a yellow satin blouse. I resisted but a few weeks later I caught myself seriously considering a pair of yellow leather gloves. The sales lady told me that yellow was all the vogue and all the new Chanel was yellow this year. This managed to put me off a little longer and then Debbie showed up to dinner with the sweetest yellow sweater and I was consumed with jealousy. Is 12 years long enough to hate a color? Should I forgive that 1/6 of the color wheel?

Statute of Limitations

About a year ago, a guy I went to kindergarten with moved back to DC. His family had moved away when we were 5 or 6 and then his parents moved back a few years ago. His mom and my mom became friendly again, based solely on the fact that he and I had known each other when we were 5. I find his mother brash and annoying so when he moved back and she put us in touch with each other, I wasn't really looking forward to meeting up. I put it off a few times and then one time we met for drinks and spent a total of two hours together over a year go.

Since then, I have managed to miss every phone call, not reply to any emails and always decline evites. Despite this, I am included in invitations to everything from hockey viewing parties to plays in Baltimore to birthday parties for people I don't even know. I could continue to ignore these emails if it weren't for the deluge of reply alls that follow each one. The pseudo-intellectual, think-they-are-sarcastic, not-so-witty reply alls. They clog up my inbox; I once got 10 in 2 minutes.
Then I started getting evites from people I didn't even know. I started to wonder if this was some sort of running joke with his friends - invite that E girl to as many things as we can until she breaks. On Wednesday, I got one such evite. The text in the email read:

Dr. Dan and the Doomsday Debauchery

For those of you who don't know me, I'm Anna Rose, Dan's best friend in DC. I am planning a super secret surprise 30th birthday for Dan. Click the evite for details.

I deleted the email and continued on my merry way. Then today, I received an email that read:

Hey everyone, it's Gene. I've managed to hack into Anna's Evite account (well, she gave me the password) to bring you this important party message. Anna has asked me to advise you all to buy your Airline tickets as soon as possible. The Airlines are done their "Fare Wars" and the prices are going back up. Personally, I'm going to purchase the round trip fare from United, from Dulles to New Orleans for $271. Plane leaves at 5pm on the 19th. Have at it, and happy shopping!

And I realized, these people, who I don't even know, expect me to fly to New Orleans for a birthday party for someone I have seen once in the last 25 years! How do I get off this fucking merry-go-round?

I Wanna Be A Pop Princess

Not really, I just want highlights like Mandy Moore. I'm a little embarrassed to be using a teen idol as my beauty icon but the girl has good hair. I'm thinking something like this or like this (but short, of course).

I'm concerned that my hairdresser won't do it, proving once again that it's not really my hair. He wants to dye my hair a cool red, i.e. purple, which I'm sure would help me with the ladies if I was so inclined but will probably turn off the gents even more than my cropped do already does. This raises the question, "Does my hairdresser think I'm gay?" Is that why he's been cutting my hair progressively shorter each time I see him? Is going to bald me and then fix me up with a girl?

I Never Got To Go To HFStival...

Yesterday at noon, one of the last two rock stations in the DC area switched their format to Latino programming. While I am happy to see the radio industry answering the call of a new demographic, was it really necessary to kill rock and roll? DC101 becomes progressively more Top 40 every day and I have recently found myself turning to WHFS more and more. This is almost as bad as when WAVA went gospel. Will DC101 go country now?

Thomas Kinkade to the Rescue

BI'75 recently sent me this card. We proceeded to send them to everyone we know. All this light sharing inspired me to ask BI'75 she would give me $100 to ask a National Gallery docent where the Thomas Kinkades were. She said she would give me $10 and I was willing to do it for that price but I didn't see any docents. Then I decided that I wanted to go to a NGA event and ask Rusty Powell in front of DC's art elite where the Thomas Kinkade room was. This brought up the question "What is the difference between a performance and a dare?" The answer - very little. Later that day, while grocery shopping, I came across a display of Glade candles decorated with TK's "art". Naturally, I had to buy one for my dad - I chose the French Vanilla with a snowy, city scene. Today I came home to the sickly-sweet smell of fake vanilla. Someone was burning the TK candle! Apparently a stuffed cabbage experiment had gone wrong and only Thomas could help. Now our house smells like an Irish whorehouse.

Bend Over, District

Not only will we be losing tax revenue if the Local 25 strikes, we have to spend a huge chunk of our homeland security funds on Bush's inauguration. Why is the city that had the lowest percentage of votes for GW paying for his inauguration? Courtland Milloy has a few things to say about DC footing the bill for Bush's Party

At least DC's restaurants are getting better. BI'75 and I had dinner with her college friend, Dave Choi, last night at Logan Tavern. I had the Crab & Shrimp Mac 'n Cheese. God bless the chef who thought that one up.

After that, we paid our usual Tuesday visit to the Lounge only to find it crammed with the 109th congressional staff. I could only stomach one beer surrounded by pearls and red neckties and we had to leave.

Automation

I can auto-dial from Outlook now. All I have to do is click-click-click and off I go. This is extremely helpful as I often misdial numbers as reading them from computer. I think this has to do with dialing with my left hand and my left hand being useless. I could always just move my phone so that it is on easily accessible by my right hand but that is way less cool than auto-dialing.

Om

I touched my toes for the first time ever today. Om!

Started my second round of Beginner's Yoga at Georgetown Yoga. I did a six week class before Xmas but, as someone who has never exercised ever, I decided to take the Beginner's class one more time just to make sure I get it all. And I touched my toes! For the first time ever! And not just a wee touch, I wrapped my fingers around my big toes and hung out for a while. I'm so flexible. I'm like a rubber pretzel.

I-Day Approacheth

The Local 25 is taking care of it with the best protest of all. If we are going to lose millions of tax dollars, at least it will inconvenience the GOP.

Annoying Co-Worker Strikes Again

We all have co-workers who drive us crazy. I certainly have one. But when I go to complain about her, I can never articulate just why she annoys me so much. Here is a perfect example

I was on the phone with a client and I was telling her how I was so sorry that I was late in delivering the names she had requested but that my email had been down on the day that she sent the request.

(We could send emails but not receive them and all the emails that were sent to us on that day were lost forever. We knew this was happening and were not sending any emails internally. My boss had forwarded me the email, knowing that I would not get it. So I really have two annoying co-workers. Back to the first.)

I finish on the phone with the client and go about my business. A few minutes later Annoying Co-Worker IMs me:

Annoying_Co-Worker: is our email down?
E: no
E: not that i know of
Annoying_Co-Worker: i though i heard u say that
Annoying_Co-Worker: no problem
E: no, i was talking about something that happened a month ago
Annoying_Co-Worker: oh

She is in another room! Why is she listening so closely to my conversations? I also wonder why she told me "No problem." Is she forgiving me for having a conversation in my own office?