Where I'm From

At a meeting on Monday, our facilitator had us do a group exercise. This type of thing usually leaves me groaning, rolling my eyes and writhing on the floor in agony (in my head, of course), but this one was actually kind of cool. He read us George Ella Lyon's poem "Where I'm From" and then had us write our own. There was a groan-inducing moment when the facilitator read his and it mentioned "shagging" his wife. Here's mine. What's yours?

I am from blacktop playgrounds and dusty public libraries,
From the Smithsonian and the Waterfront,
From the 930 Club and Fort Reno Park,
From “form follows function” and ROY G BIV,
From Warshington and Sandy Mush,
From Passover Seder and Easter Brunch.

To quote College Humor, "the most accurate impression of singing Irishmen ever performed." In fact, I think I heard them singing at Clyde's yesterday.

Faster, Faster, Count!

The Great Escape of 2008

My Uncle Jeff (79) has debilitating Parkinsons. He cannot walk unassisted for even one step. A recent conversation that I had with him went like this:

E: How are you, Uncle Jeff?
J: I can't drive anywhere.
E: Did they take your car away?
J: They took my truck.
E: Well, Aunt Sarah will drive you anywhere that you want to go.
J: There's nowhere that I want to go.

I guess that got him thinking, "Or is there?" because on Wednesday, he made a break for it! He told Sarah that he wanted to sit on the back patio, so she put his coat and hat on him and helped him out there. She went back inside to do some housework, and when she went to check on him, HE WAS IN THE CAR. She ran up to the car, and when he saw her coming, HE LOCKED THE DOORS AND TOOK OFF.

He drove to the drugstore where he likes to have lunch and to the post office and back home again.

View Escape Route

I don't know if it was premeditated or if he just saw a window of opportunity. All I could imagine was a low-speed chase down West Main Street with a sheriff car tailing Uncle Jeff at 5 mph. I couldn't call Aunt Sarah for a full day because I knew I would crack up laughing. Thankfully, no one was injured during this crime spree. You can be sure that Aunt Sarah will be hiding the car keys from now on.

Does Not Follow Instructions Well

Sign on my father's hospital room door:



Conversation between BI'75 and our mother:

BI'75: (Upon Mom's arrival in Dad's hospital room after riding public transportation) Did you wash your hands yet?
Mom: I washed them at home.

To-Do List for CA

We are heading to CA to visit Baby Darwin (and his parents, too, I guess). I see our visit going something like this:

1. Arrive at Darwin's house
2. Cursory greetings to Darwin's parents
3. Knock parents to ground
4. Hold Darwin until BI'75 tackles me like a rugby player
5. Scheme ways to get Dawin away from BI'75
6. Outlet shopping
7. Fighting over baby
8. Wine drinking
9. Fighting over baby
10. Return to DC

Sounds like a pretty good vacation!

Writers Strike Over!

I think these four young Tennesseans express my feelings on the end of the writers strike through bells better than I ever could in words.

Speak English

To paraphrase 3YO, "No, you speak English."

Now, while this does make my skin crawl, it is not one of my absolute pet peeves. That is a tie between "anyways" and "her and I." I have a visible physical reaction when I hear someone utter those phrases. My mom can't stand "if it was me," something I am guilty of saying. What are your grammar grievances?

Bippity Boppity Bacon

According to Jim Gaffigan, if you sprinkled Bac-Os^® on top of bacon, you could travel back in time. I wonder what he would think of chocolate bacon?

The Littlest Consumer

Because American kids aren't fat, greedy or lazy enough, ads soon to be placed on school buses.