China Trip

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Ketchup

I know, I know...it's been too long since I've posted, and you are all crying yourselves to sleep at night because you don't know what I'm up to. Well, put away those hankies, because here's a recap!

1. I'm going to China! I'm leaving on 12/3, arriving on 12/4 and returning on 12/9. I'll be in Beijing and, possibly, Shenzhen. I can't wait to do all of my holiday shopping for under $20.
2. Went to Cirque du Soleil: Corteo. Completely amazing. I want to be in a circus. Removed because I know all you haters will have something to say about that.
3. I saw Borat. At one point, I was laughing so hard that there were tears streaming down my face and pain in my side. I had my hands over my face and my laughing spasms caused me to scratch my own nose. Everyone must see this movie.
4. My hair has gotten past another awkward stage and is well on it's way to being officially medium lengthed. I'll get BI'75 to snap some photos.
5. I have pneumonia/tuberculosis/scarlet fever. Or a slight cold. I'm not sure which. I stopped taking Sudafed because of the insane panic attacks it caused, so I've been taking echinacea and zinc. Any other suggestions?
6. We're going up to MV to see Ma and Pa E for Turkey Day. Papa E is feeling much better. He had a second cardioversion on Friday and says that he can now feel that his heart is beating normally. He has lots of garden chores waiting for us.
7. Alobar has lost 2.5 pounds in two months! He was already skinny in August at 14 lbs, and when I took him to the vet on Wednesday because he's had tummy problems, he weighed in at 11.5! He's so teeny and you can see every knob on his spine. I'm working on fattening him back up.

Other than my two new purses for $10 each and my new cushy pillows, I can't think of anything else. Promise to be better!

Nice Is Back

Last night, in the midst of the usual 35-year-old trick-or-treaters with no costumes, was a young man dressed as a skeleton. As BI'75 put a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup in the young skeleton's pumpkin, he said "I'm just being nice to everyone." She told him she thought that was great and continued handing out candy to the rest of the kids at the door. As the skeleton turned away, he looked back over his shoulder and repeated "I'm just trying to be nice to everyone tonight."

This incident reminded me of a boy I saw at the library last week. He was pulling a wheeled schoolbag and wearing a white oxford shirt under a green t-shirt that read "Be nice. Work hard." I traced the t-shirt to KIPP Academy, a sort of franchise charter school with almost 50 "branches" in New York, California, Texas, North Carolina (to name a few) and DC.

Now, I've only heard/seen young children talking about being nice. I haven't actually seen any evidence of the niceness. But I'm keeping an eye out.

The Stingrays Are Angry...

It sounds like the stingrays have organized. I understand the Steve Irwin hit, but I wonder what poor James Bertakis did to them? Maybe he the head of a secret anti-stingray organization. Don't those stingrays know that violence is never the answer? They should give civil disobedience a try; they're only making a bad name for themselves with all this stabbing-in-the-heart business.

The Cursive Wars

Proof that what I knew at six is true: cursive makes you smarter. In first grade, I was obsessed with the cursive in the back of the spelling book. It was so tantalizing--and so cruel! The teacher told me we wouldn't be allowed to learn cursive until the end of second grade. So, of course, I taught myself. And then I taught BI'75 (age 5). BI'75 then got in trouble with her kindergarten teacher for not printing. She maintains that her "fucked up handwriting" (her description, not mine) is my fault for teaching her too young. I maintain that people who know cursive are smarter and she was lucky I imparted my some of my vast wisdom to her.

P.S. I have lovely handwriting.

What She Said

B'75 says it best. Haven't really been doing much except worrying about my old mens (Papa E and Alobar). Stuttering a lot, which I haven't done in years--brain must be too full.

Select State

Even those watchdogs of fairness and equality over at the People for the American Way have proven to be insensitive to the disenfranchisement of the District of Columbia in their own small way (even as they support HR 5388). If you go the elections page for DC, you will be given the opportunity to view the status of our gubernatorial race.

Wait? We have a governor?

This is even better than phoning a call center and having them ask you what state you are in. Even call centers in DC do this. It is not quite as good as the first time I'm tried to buy a cell phone from the AT&T website back in '99. The did not even have DC in their drop-down box. The customer service representative who bore the brunt of my frustration suggested that I try using MD or VA because "it was the same thing." That did not work and he was treated to a civics lesson which I'm sure he appreciates to this day.

Out of the Mouths of Dads

"The worst part about starting school in the fall is having to wear shoes again."

- Papa E

Half Life

Exchange from instant message conversation during which Anonymous Friend discusses a recent OB/GYN appointment where the doctor forced samples of Yaz on her.

AF: The doctor all but dumped the birth control in my purse. I could tell by the look in his eyes that he was thinking, "I am not letting this smart young woman out of this exam room without protecting her from unwanted pregnancy."

E: Did he stress upon you about taking it at the same time? Birth control pills have a short half-life, meaning if you are supposed to have it at 8:00 AM, but take it at 4:00 PM, you could be UNPROTECTED for hours.

AF: Then wouldn't it be better to pick a time of day when it will be most effective against pregnancy? Like happy hour?

E: That does seem logical.

Anonymous Friend has also provided a transcript of the pre-sample-giving conversation.

Doc: Are you taking any form of birth control?

AF: No. I've avoided it because I've never wanted to worry about side effects or weird hormone stuff

Doc: The side effects of pregnancy are a lot worse than any possible side effects of the birth control pills.

The New (and Improved?) Annoying-Co-Worker

I'm sure all of you have missed my tales of the Annoying Co-Worker (Who, if the truth be told, was only annoying occasionally and is actually a very nice person. It's just that when she annoying, she was very, very annoying). Well, pine no more...introducing Moronic & Idiotic Co-Worker (M&IC-W). The following is an e-mail exchange between M&IC-W and myself. His spelling and grammar have not been altered, but names have been changed to protect the innocent (and moronic and idiotic).

M&IC-W: I'm out of biz card. I need more but just a small box will do for up coming shows

E: Are there any changes you need made or just print as is?

M&IC-W: For now just print as is on board not the crack and peel

E: When do you need these cards by and where do you want them delivered?

M&AC-W - Before [show], to my [home] address

E: What day are you leaving for [show] so I can plan for the cards to arrive before then?

M&IC-W: 10 days

E: Are you leaving on August 20? If so, I will arrange to have the cards delivered by August 18.

M&IC-W: That fine

E Gets A Facelift

No, not me, silly, the blog! I decided it was high time I tried a new template. However, like all plastic surgery, the initial results are not exactly what you expected. Everything seems swollen and shiny and just not quite right. I'm sure I'll need various touch ups to get me back in racing form, so bear with me!

How I Spent My Summer Vacation by E

Last week, BI'75 and I visited the Kennedy’s compound on Martha’s Vineyard. After arriving by private jet, we were each shown to our private suite. Our second evening, we were the guests of honor at a fabulous soiree at the club. The rest of our days were spent sunning ourselves on our private beach and shopping to our hearts’ content. Naturally, we partook in the de rigeur croquet games and clam bakes. All in all it was a lovely week, and we can’t wait for our next trip.



Glossary of Terms

Kennedy

Early

Compound

My parent’s 800 square foot house

Private Jet

Ferry (following 10 hour drive)

Private Suite

Closet with child’s twin bed

Soiree

Dip and wine

Club

Porch

Private Beach

State Beach

Shopping

Window shopping

Croquet

Helping Dad garden

Clam Bake

Sitting on the porch drinking cheap Chablis

Attack of the Killer Spider

Born in 1975 and I were driving to work today with the windows and sunroof open and the Junior Retreat Mix Tape blaring on the CD player. BI’75 was telling me how she believed a spider was living in her car, and I was telling her that she had to smash it the next time she saw it, when I looked out her window and THERE WAS THE SPIDER!

It was like a scene from a spider horror movie! It was spinning a web from her side-view mirror to the door handle, and, even as the car was moving, it was cruising up and down its thread. We, of course, screamed like little girls and closed all the windows. I told BI’75 that she had to burn the web on both sides of the spider while it was in the middle. She said that just because I burned my eyelashes off, that didn’t mean fire was the answer to everything. (The other night, a blob of sulfur flew off a match and onto my lower eyelid and burned away a section of lashes—very scary!) I told her that fire was the answer to everything if what you want to do is destroy everything. By then, we had gotten to 12th and Constitution, and it was time for me to get out and leave BI’75 to deal with the spider. It better not be there the next time I get in the car.

Aim High!

Received via USPS today:

One (1) autographed copy of a miniature movie poster for Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle. John Cho ripped it off his own wall and signed it:

Elizabeth--
Aim HIGH!
Best Wishes,
John Cho

BI'75 wants to frame it and put it in the downstairs bathroom. I want to frame it and put it in the kitchen. What do you think?

Picture of poster to follow soon.

Bradley Is The New Kinkade

Here is an example of Northern Irish art; I hope this is the exception rather than the rule. To quote Jett Loe from Letter to America, "He makes Thomas Kinkade look like Vincent Van Gogh." You should all listen to Letter to America: Chapter 39--all about a Belfast art gallery scandal and resulting protest along with some very funny stuff about Val Kilmer as De Kooning in Pollock. I wonder who will play Kinkade in his biopic?

The Big Tour of Death and Art

As predicted, much of our trip to Vermont was dedicated to cemeteries and artists' facilities. On Saturday, we drove to Barre, VT, home of the Rock of Ages quarry (they have enough granite to quarry for another 4,500 years!). Because of all that granite, many Italian and Scottish stone carvers emigrated to Barre in the 19th century to practice their artistry on grave markers. It has become a tradition in Barre for stone carvers to make their own grave markers, resulting in some pretty funky stones. You can check out the ones I didn't photograph because I was smoking at Kelly's friend Joe's Flickr page. Don't miss the pix of Kelly and Joe bowling on the outdoor granite bowling alley at Rock of Ages. There is also a pretty spectacular photo of the quarry itself. Every time I think, hear, say or write quarry, I think of Fred Flintstone.

The second day, we drove to Salem, NY (near Bennington, VT) to visit BI'75's friend Anthony Cafritz's new venture, Salem Art Works. Located on a 174-acre (former) dairy farm, Salem Art Works is "an independent artists' community where experienced artists and newcomers alike can work, exhibit, nurture new ideas, and learn from each other." We went off-roading to the top of this hill, and, later, Anthony said "BI'75, grab your beer. I'm going to teach you to drive stick," and BI'75 drove his manual Chevy pickup. It was all very exciting.

The food we ate is another entry. Mmmmm...organic Vermont.

Journey to the Great White North

Tomorrow afternoon, Born in 1975 and I head up the Eastern Seaboard (and a little inland) to Burlington, VT. The temperatures will be frigid, which is especially of concern to me as I don't seem to own any socks. I've been instructed to bring a fleece with me; I believe that this garment is the traditional native costume of Vermont. Our itinerary includes, but is not limited to:

• Five Spice Cafe
• Vermont State House
• Rock of Ages
• Hope Cemetery
• Side trip to Bennington, VT to see Anthony Cafritz
• Salem Art Works
• Blue Benn
• The Trolley Car

Jeezum Crow! This trip appears to be heavy on quaint cafes, dead people and art and light on drinking beer. We'll just have to see what we can do about that.

Pilfering Peppers

I’ve been hearing Red Hot Chili Peppers’ “Dani California” on the radio lately and have found it very confusing because I could have sworn it was a really old song, but everyone is talking about their new album. Well, it all became clear today when I heard a news bit about Tom Petty considering taking legal action against RHCP for ripping off “Mary Jane’s Last Dance.” Apparently, RHCP has gotten tired of just being derivative; they have gone the full monty and actually stolen a song. When will they get it through their heads that they were meant to be a one-hit wonder? Check out the comparison of the two songs here.

Rethinking Canadians

Most people who know me even in passing know this: I have an inexplicable hatred of Canadians based on little else than seeing Strange Brew once when I was nine. I find their well-scrubbed faces suspicious, their non-accents grating and their willingness to live in below-freezing temperatures baffling. Hmm...maybe it is explicable. But these two young men are making me take a long hard look at my prejudice against our neighbors to the North and my prejudices in general (except against tall people—they are freaks and I don’t like them).

One Red Paper Clip
The Last Angry Young Man (be sure to check out his Monkey Chow Diaries)

And Another Thing!

Why does Blogger's spell check always pick up the word "blog" and offer the following replacements?

bloc
Bloch
blows
bloke

Huh. That would make a great headline about an Eastern European politician getting caught in a gay-prostitution sex scandal.

Bobby Lee! John Cho!

Funniest. Bit. Ever.

Om II

I went to yoga class for the first time after a brief (14 month) hiatus. One hour of sun salutations and warrior 1-4, and I'm a new woman. Today, downward dog; tomorrow, pilates. Someone stop me! Seriously, someone stop me - I could really hurt myself!

Slackerdom

I have been remiss. I have been lax. Let's just face it, I have been lazy. I acually have nothing to say; I just thought it seemed like a good time I broke the silence. So much for "not boring in 2006."

Of Course!

I guess it's a good thing that I'm not the casting director for Magnum, P.I.: The Movie, because I have been racking my brain trying to figure out who could play Thomas Magnum and keep coming up blank. I left it to the professionals, and they have narrowed it down to two very good choices. I'm rooting for Vince Vaughn - that man can work a mustache. Love ya, George, but you might be a little over the hill for this one.

Ow

MY TOOTH HURTS.

I don't have anything to say about that. I could rant about the evils of dentists and dental hygenists, but it would just sound like whining, because my tooth hurts so damn much. I most certainly will be taking a Tylenol PM this PM.

I Guess It's Time To Update the Blog When...

...you dream about your blog. And it was a super weird dream. My sister and I started a brothel, and the Post wrote an article about us and sex workers' rights, and instead of listing our names as First Name Last Initial, they listed them as First Initial Last Name AND linked to our blogs! And then someone wrote a review of my blog, and it they panned it! They said it used to be good, but now it sucks. I'm sorry, Mean Dream Blog Reviewer! I've been really busy!

Valentine This, Bitches

I Got Gas This Morning

Literally as he said the words "America is addicted to oil", I heard Bush's helicoptor pass my house for at least the third time tonight.

8:45 Flies Bush to Capitol
8:50 Leaves Capitol
8:50-9:50 Flies around DC
TBD Flies Bush back to the White House

That man uses more gas than anyone in town. Choppers to the Capitol. Motorcades 20 cars long. Who's going to wean his ass off of oil?

Economics 101

Now I'm no high-falutin' finance guru, but could the reason that Exxon's profits are so high be that they were selling gas at a record high prices? But, but...I thought that was because there was a fuel crisis. Does this mean big business lied to us?

The Second Amendment

For my country cousin.

R.I.P Chris Penn

The better of the two Penns passed away yesterday, leaving behind many opportunities to play bigoted cops to the chubby actors of tomorrow. No, really, I jest. I love Chris Penn and have always thought that he was sorely underappreciated. I had forgotten until today that he played Willard Who Can't Dance in Footloose, but what I didn't know was that he had a guest spot on The Young Riders. I wonder if that is in syndication anywhere?

ETA: Young Riders Season 1 is coming out on DVD on March 21 if anyone wants to buy it for me.

One For The Road

As I prepare to leave my present place of employment, I've been thinking about all the things I will miss. Instant message conversations like this one are not one of them:

[11:18] ACW: i cant reach anyone at [strategic partner located in Chicago]
[11:18] E: today or for a while?
[11:18] ACW: today
[11:18] E: they've only been in an hour - maybe they had a morning meeting
[11:18] ACW: well
[11:18] ACW: maybe i'll try in another hour

You Make Me So Very Happy

It's like a dream come true - the lip-synching Chinese boys have a website, and it's filled with video after glorious video.

BEST. MOVIE. NEWS. EVER.

The Magnum P.I. movie is coming, the Magnum P.I. movie is coming! Who will play Magnum? Who could possibly be as sexy as Tom Selleck?



Oh, the dimples. Oh, the mustache. Oh, the humanity.

How To Drink Hot Cocoa On A Mountain

How NOT To Act In A Gallery

I'm not allowed to come to openings by myself, because I might do something like this. It's all "Do as I say, not do as I do," eh, BI'75?

* Note red wine being held precariously around the sculpture by not one, but two, people!

Not Boring in '06

One of my New Year's Resolutions is to update my blog more often. Unfortunately, it appears that I have nothing to say! So my new resolution is to not be boring. I should have some very not boring pictures of BI'75, WhinoRhino, Coll and me at Ski Liberty and the Legwarmers show soon (hint, hint, Healy).