Where I'm From

At a meeting on Monday, our facilitator had us do a group exercise. This type of thing usually leaves me groaning, rolling my eyes and writhing on the floor in agony (in my head, of course), but this one was actually kind of cool. He read us George Ella Lyon's poem "Where I'm From" and then had us write our own. There was a groan-inducing moment when the facilitator read his and it mentioned "shagging" his wife. Here's mine. What's yours?

I am from blacktop playgrounds and dusty public libraries,
From the Smithsonian and the Waterfront,
From the 930 Club and Fort Reno Park,
From “form follows function” and ROY G BIV,
From Warshington and Sandy Mush,
From Passover Seder and Easter Brunch.

To quote College Humor, "the most accurate impression of singing Irishmen ever performed." In fact, I think I heard them singing at Clyde's yesterday.

Faster, Faster, Count!

The Great Escape of 2008

My Uncle Jeff (79) has debilitating Parkinsons. He cannot walk unassisted for even one step. A recent conversation that I had with him went like this:

E: How are you, Uncle Jeff?
J: I can't drive anywhere.
E: Did they take your car away?
J: They took my truck.
E: Well, Aunt Sarah will drive you anywhere that you want to go.
J: There's nowhere that I want to go.

I guess that got him thinking, "Or is there?" because on Wednesday, he made a break for it! He told Sarah that he wanted to sit on the back patio, so she put his coat and hat on him and helped him out there. She went back inside to do some housework, and when she went to check on him, HE WAS IN THE CAR. She ran up to the car, and when he saw her coming, HE LOCKED THE DOORS AND TOOK OFF.

He drove to the drugstore where he likes to have lunch and to the post office and back home again.

View Escape Route

I don't know if it was premeditated or if he just saw a window of opportunity. All I could imagine was a low-speed chase down West Main Street with a sheriff car tailing Uncle Jeff at 5 mph. I couldn't call Aunt Sarah for a full day because I knew I would crack up laughing. Thankfully, no one was injured during this crime spree. You can be sure that Aunt Sarah will be hiding the car keys from now on.

Does Not Follow Instructions Well

Sign on my father's hospital room door:



Conversation between BI'75 and our mother:

BI'75: (Upon Mom's arrival in Dad's hospital room after riding public transportation) Did you wash your hands yet?
Mom: I washed them at home.

To-Do List for CA

We are heading to CA to visit Baby Darwin (and his parents, too, I guess). I see our visit going something like this:

1. Arrive at Darwin's house
2. Cursory greetings to Darwin's parents
3. Knock parents to ground
4. Hold Darwin until BI'75 tackles me like a rugby player
5. Scheme ways to get Dawin away from BI'75
6. Outlet shopping
7. Fighting over baby
8. Wine drinking
9. Fighting over baby
10. Return to DC

Sounds like a pretty good vacation!

Writers Strike Over!

I think these four young Tennesseans express my feelings on the end of the writers strike through bells better than I ever could in words.

Speak English

To paraphrase 3YO, "No, you speak English."

Now, while this does make my skin crawl, it is not one of my absolute pet peeves. That is a tie between "anyways" and "her and I." I have a visible physical reaction when I hear someone utter those phrases. My mom can't stand "if it was me," something I am guilty of saying. What are your grammar grievances?

Bippity Boppity Bacon

According to Jim Gaffigan, if you sprinkled Bac-Os^® on top of bacon, you could travel back in time. I wonder what he would think of chocolate bacon?

The Littlest Consumer

Because American kids aren't fat, greedy or lazy enough, ads soon to be placed on school buses.

The First Rule of Book Club

BI'75 likes to say that the first rule of Book Club is that you don't talk about Book Club. When she says that, I think she has images of us bludgeoning each other with that month's pick. The actual first rule of Book Club is that you have to admit when you didn't read the book (a rule that Bi'75 has to fulfill quite often).

I started Book Club with C and M1 over two years ago after C and I met at a bar to discuss Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince. We decided we wanted a Book Club where people could be introduced to books they might not otherwise have read. So far I've gotten everyone to read a graphic novel, a (liberal) Republican has rethought the war in Iraq and everyone has decided that Philip Roth is a mysoginistic pig-man.

I've changed the "books e read" to "e read for book club" because a. I read too many damn books to list and b. it's interesting to see the evolution of our choices and who picked what. The list is in order from most recent to least recent and the preceding inital represents who chose it. There are two ladies whose names begin with "m;" the numeral is who chose first, not who is more awesome because, really, how could I choose that.

Week Links

Catch up on Lost at Lostpedia
Things my two-year old daughter taught me… [WalletPop]
Kitty Monkey Dog Bear??? [CuteOverload] (It’s my house bear!)
Beehives: Beauty Trend 2008 [Budget Fashionista] (I long to achieve volume of this…volume)
Pocket-sized portable power [PopGadget]
National Zoo Can Has [sic] a Baby Elephant? [DCist] (It’s my house elephant!]
Two very cool shops (as seen in Lucky)...Reform School Rules and REMO General Store
HI-YAH KARATE CHOP! [CuteOverload] (Another house bear?)

BEST. KANSAS. COVER. EVER.

This little girl rocks so hard.

Yo' Mama

A real-life example of how quickly a conversation with a toddler can degenerate:

3YO:	[My cousins] call Mommy zia!
e:	Do you know why they call her that?
3YO:	They...they don’t know her name!
e:	(Hiding laughter) Well, your mommy is Italian and zia is Italian for aunty. Like how Dora calls her aunty tia in Spanish.
3YO:	Your mommy's Italian!

I didn't realize that they taught the dozens in pre-school, but I suppose it's never to early to learn quality yo' mama jokes.

I’m Back Baby!

It’s been 159 days since I posted last. I could come up with a multitude of excuses, but they all boil down to one essential theme—laziness. All I can do is fervently promise to try and do better. In case anyone is interested, here is what I’ve been up to:

• Lost over 20 pounds (and look pretty f***ing fantastic, if I do say so myself)
• Become quite vain and fashion-obsessed since losing said 20 pounds, as I can now fit into clothes that aren’t from the plus-size section
• Got a promotion to Senior Manager [of what I do]
• Got a smartphone (along with promotion) and have become one of those horrible people who check their e-mail 24/7
• Saw Jim Gaffigan live; peed in pants
• Become an “aunty” to the Delicious Darwin Elvis (11/19/2007, 7lbs/12oz, 19") and the Lovely Lucie Lake (1/22/2008, 8lbs/2oz, 21”)
• Arranged a lovely adult New Year’s Eve dinner at Bistro d’Oc (that later degenerated into childish drunkenness at the Capitol Lounge)
• Re-read the Complete Novels of Jane Austen
• Become obsessed with Georgette Heyer
• Switched my skincare regimen from $$$ to ¢, resulting in better skin and more money in my wallet
• Listened to Juno soundtrack approximately 3,439 times

I’m sure I’ve done lots of other fascinating stuff, but can't think of it now. Am I forgiven now?