Pain In The Neck

I just found out that Boss Man hired a temp for a day while I was gone because, apparently, they couldn't handle the urgent project that got dumped in their laps. I am mad that I wasn't here to boss the temp around and that the temp totally messed up my very carefully arranged monitor/keyboard/mouse system in a way that caused me immediate neck pain. I think it was supposed to be a secret because it only came out because of the invoice. This proves what I have always known - they can't handle shit without me.

New Rule

When I arrived at the office today after being away for over a week, I fully expected to open the door and have my co-workers tackle me screaming things like "How do I send a fax?" and "Where are the pens?" and "How do I turn my computer on?". I was very surprised to find the door locked (especially since it was almost 10:00). Apparently ACW is home with her son, Sales Guy is sick and Boss Man is traveling. I had the office ALL TO MYSELF and it was AWESOME. I actually got to catch up on my workload instead of 1,000,000 fires being dumped in my lap. I think everyone should always take the day after my vacation ends off.

Eau de Jesus

Just in time for Holy Week: His Essence. And I here always thought he smelled like sweat and goats.

Happy Mr Early Day

Shout out to my dad - celebrating 74 years of being cute and grumpy. Let's all raise a chilly glass of chardonnay and spoonful of peanut butter to Mr Early.

Edited a day late and a dollar short to say:
I think I finally got this. It isn't streaming, but it works.
So click 1938 Dad for a cute video of 2004 Dad.

For a special treat - click here for 1955 Dad.

Avril Lavigne, You're So Punk Rock

Quote of the Day

MAC is really good for ass kissing.
When you ass kiss, you need to MAC it up.

- Wanda Sykes after being asked by Mo Collins what lipstick you wear to ass kiss

A Grave Error In Judgment

Safeway just sent me a sample of Upstream Dream. Safeway is obviously tracking my purchases well enough to know that I have a cat but not well enough to know that I have never purchases wet food for him. In fact, in his 12 years, Alobar has never had wet food (aside from the occasional bowl of jus d'tuna). But here was this shiny package of wet food and it sounded delicious even to me and I hate salmon (but am a whore for anything with crab) so I put it in his special tuna dish. He ate 4/5 of it and went and passed out in the living room and now I'm sure he will never eat dry food again.

LaLa Land

My mom's sister moved to LA in 70's. I have definitely been there 5 times (two bat mitvahs, one bar mitvah and two weddings) and probably another 3-5 times that I can't think of. I've been to Disney Land and the Getty and Malibu and Beverly Hills. I was in an live audience taping of an
episode of "The Facts of Life". I have seen the Chinese theatre and the stars on the sidewalk. So what should I do for a week there without any family obligations?

Why DOES Jackie Chan Love Me So Much?

Our son Jesse, at 6, loved Jackie Chan above all mortals. “When I get big, I'm going to help Jackie Chan,” he announced. Great, great, we murmured. “When I help Jackie Chan, can I still live at home?” he anxiously asked one night at bedtime.

“Sure, sweetie, you'll live at home and just travel to help Jackie every day.”

“Will my name be Jesse Chan when I'm big?” he asked on another occasion.

“I'm sure that will make Jackie very proud,” I said.

Sighing happily one night at bedtime, he asked, “Why does Jackie Chan like me so much?”

We were so far off-script now, we would never find our way back to “Shanghai Noon.”

The Way We Live Now: Sandlot Summer
by Melissa Fay Greene
New York Times Magazine
11/28/2004

It's Not Warm

The forecast on the radio this morning said it would be 38F which is practically 40F which I call cool instead of cold. Sick of big red coat (which needs to be cleaned so badly), I wore a hooded sweatshirt and a cotton peacoat thinking that, in addition to the the two shirts I was wearing (because layering is cool), that I would be warm enough. Not so. It is NOT 38F. It is 30F with a windchill of 19F. I am afraid to go outside. It was almost 70F on Monday! WTF!?

Now That's What I Call An Ad Campaign

Maybe the Campaign For Our Children should try something like this. I know I find it more effective than smug women in bridal gowns.

My Doctor Is No Fun

Dr. F gave me three choices in dealing with my blood pressure:

1. Quit smoking
2. Aggressively lose weight
3. Medication

She also made it clear that even if I chose #3, I still need to do #1 and #2 and if I chose just #1, I still need to do #2 and vice-versa. So she handed me a prescription to Wellbutrin, told me to not have any nicotine (gum included) after one week from today and sent me on my way. So now I have to go on a diet without the help of my sweet cigarettes and I'm really not sure how one goes about that. I've asked my skinniest friend to help me and she is very excited. Hopefully some of her enthusiasm will rub off on me. I just don't get what's so wrong about enjoying a cigarette, a steak and a beer. People used to eat red meat every night and drink martinis at lunch and smoke at their obstetrician offices and the human race was FINE! What's different?

Brave New World

Are we that far off from this? Will I care that much as long as get some Soma with my Big Brother?

(Turn up your volume!)

WTF Moment of the Week

McDonald's was out of fries. I went to the McDonald's in the Pentagon City food court for the sole purpose of buying delicious, crispy, golden-brown french fries and a chocolate shake. I was then going to dip the fries in the shake and enjoy it very much. But McD's was out of fries. And shakes. What the hell kind of McDonald's is out of french fries? In my 30 years of McDonald's eating, I have never been denied fries. Aren't they an American right?

When I Am An Old Woman...

...I want to be her!

In The Navy

Now that would have been the headline for this if I ran the news.

The Perils of A Little Free Time

Does this make me a nerd? It's a good thing that I already have a cat because it appears that I am well on my way to cat-ladydom.