The Great Escape of 2008

My Uncle Jeff (79) has debilitating Parkinsons. He cannot walk unassisted for even one step. A recent conversation that I had with him went like this:

E: How are you, Uncle Jeff?
J: I can't drive anywhere.
E: Did they take your car away?
J: They took my truck.
E: Well, Aunt Sarah will drive you anywhere that you want to go.
J: There's nowhere that I want to go.

I guess that got him thinking, "Or is there?" because on Wednesday, he made a break for it! He told Sarah that he wanted to sit on the back patio, so she put his coat and hat on him and helped him out there. She went back inside to do some housework, and when she went to check on him, HE WAS IN THE CAR. She ran up to the car, and when he saw her coming, HE LOCKED THE DOORS AND TOOK OFF.

He drove to the drugstore where he likes to have lunch and to the post office and back home again.

View Escape Route

I don't know if it was premeditated or if he just saw a window of opportunity. All I could imagine was a low-speed chase down West Main Street with a sheriff car tailing Uncle Jeff at 5 mph. I couldn't call Aunt Sarah for a full day because I knew I would crack up laughing. Thankfully, no one was injured during this crime spree. You can be sure that Aunt Sarah will be hiding the car keys from now on.

Does Not Follow Instructions Well

Sign on my father's hospital room door:



Conversation between BI'75 and our mother:

BI'75: (Upon Mom's arrival in Dad's hospital room after riding public transportation) Did you wash your hands yet?
Mom: I washed them at home.

Yo' Mama

A real-life example of how quickly a conversation with a toddler can degenerate:

3YO:	[My cousins] call Mommy zia!
e:	Do you know why they call her that?
3YO:	They...they don’t know her name!
e:	(Hiding laughter) Well, your mommy is Italian and zia is Italian for aunty. Like how Dora calls her aunty tia in Spanish.
3YO:	Your mommy's Italian!

I didn't realize that they taught the dozens in pre-school, but I suppose it's never to early to learn quality yo' mama jokes.

Promises, Promises

I had all these noble plans for day-by-day entries for my visit to the King-Bradley household in Belfast, but, as you may have heard, the road to hell is paved with good intentions. I came back to work to find, of all things, a load of work waiting for me and haven't had a moment to blog. Therefore, I bring you the quick recap.

Arrive Belfast. See house. Ooh/aah at improvements. (Actually, I should not gloss over this--the house is lovely. Healy has done a beautiful job. The moldings are gorgeous.) Go to restaurant called Sopranos (called so because the owners like the HBO show...not joking.) Got spectacularly drunk. Went back to Healy/Coll's where Healy and I proceeded to ooh/ahh over said moldings and discuss bookshelves. Passed out.

Woke up noonish. Went on bus tour of Belfast (yes, Belfast has tourism) All, including Coll, were impressed by tour guide. Went back to Healy/Coll's and watched TV. Sleep.

Woke up noonish. Went to see ring and henge (no Stonehenge, but enjoyable nonetheless). Went to Tesco. Was admonished for acting like a three-year old. Went back to Healy/Coll's and prepare to par-tay by testing Margarita recipes and applying makeup. Par-tayed with Healy/Colleen/Catherine McCann/Michelle Quinn/various other characters including one angry young man who wanted me to apologize for all of America, which I would not since he could not even understand the simple concept of federalism/DC has no vote. Shared bed with Michelle Quinn and her fantastic party dress.

Woke up before noonish but spent day on couch watching Buffy marathon. Rallied to hit bars around 10:00 (where much fun was had). Refused to go home but was made to by mean Healy who turned out to be right in the end since we had to get up at the crack of dawn (11:00 AM) to go to Derry for Sunday dinner.

Arrived Derry (after lovely nap in car). Was fed lamb and chicken and roasted potatoes and mashed potatoes and carrots and parsnips and gravy. Then was fed butterscotch pudding and toffee cheesecake and Swiss roll and Vienna roll and whipped cream and apple crumble. Took Coll's nephews to park. Waited for Coll's dad to fix her car (which only unlocked at the trunk and had a very complicated system of which doors open from the inside or out). Returned to Belfast. Sleep.

Woke up noonish (what is wrong with me??). Met Coll for lunch. Shopped. Waited in bar for Coll. Went back to Healy/Coll's. Ordered Domino's (American rules the seas). Contemplated ordering more pizza. Watch much crap British/Irish TV. Went to sleep early with best of intentions but was woken up by many baby-related text messages (11:00 PM--pictures of friend's small child; 2:00 AM announcement of friend's pregnancy).

Woke up 7ish (late for when I needed to leave). Went to airport. Began incredibly long journey home (all flights delayed; got home midnight EST).

THE END!

Nice Is Back

Last night, in the midst of the usual 35-year-old trick-or-treaters with no costumes, was a young man dressed as a skeleton. As BI'75 put a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup in the young skeleton's pumpkin, he said "I'm just being nice to everyone." She told him she thought that was great and continued handing out candy to the rest of the kids at the door. As the skeleton turned away, he looked back over his shoulder and repeated "I'm just trying to be nice to everyone tonight."

This incident reminded me of a boy I saw at the library last week. He was pulling a wheeled schoolbag and wearing a white oxford shirt under a green t-shirt that read "Be nice. Work hard." I traced the t-shirt to KIPP Academy, a sort of franchise charter school with almost 50 "branches" in New York, California, Texas, North Carolina (to name a few) and DC.

Now, I've only heard/seen young children talking about being nice. I haven't actually seen any evidence of the niceness. But I'm keeping an eye out.

Out of the Mouths of Dads

"The worst part about starting school in the fall is having to wear shoes again."

- Papa E

Half Life

Exchange from instant message conversation during which Anonymous Friend discusses a recent OB/GYN appointment where the doctor forced samples of Yaz on her.

AF: The doctor all but dumped the birth control in my purse. I could tell by the look in his eyes that he was thinking, "I am not letting this smart young woman out of this exam room without protecting her from unwanted pregnancy."

E: Did he stress upon you about taking it at the same time? Birth control pills have a short half-life, meaning if you are supposed to have it at 8:00 AM, but take it at 4:00 PM, you could be UNPROTECTED for hours.

AF: Then wouldn't it be better to pick a time of day when it will be most effective against pregnancy? Like happy hour?

E: That does seem logical.

Anonymous Friend has also provided a transcript of the pre-sample-giving conversation.

Doc: Are you taking any form of birth control?

AF: No. I've avoided it because I've never wanted to worry about side effects or weird hormone stuff

Doc: The side effects of pregnancy are a lot worse than any possible side effects of the birth control pills.

The New (and Improved?) Annoying-Co-Worker

I'm sure all of you have missed my tales of the Annoying Co-Worker (Who, if the truth be told, was only annoying occasionally and is actually a very nice person. It's just that when she annoying, she was very, very annoying). Well, pine no more...introducing Moronic & Idiotic Co-Worker (M&IC-W). The following is an e-mail exchange between M&IC-W and myself. His spelling and grammar have not been altered, but names have been changed to protect the innocent (and moronic and idiotic).

M&IC-W: I'm out of biz card. I need more but just a small box will do for up coming shows

E: Are there any changes you need made or just print as is?

M&IC-W: For now just print as is on board not the crack and peel

E: When do you need these cards by and where do you want them delivered?

M&AC-W - Before [show], to my [home] address

E: What day are you leaving for [show] so I can plan for the cards to arrive before then?

M&IC-W: 10 days

E: Are you leaving on August 20? If so, I will arrange to have the cards delivered by August 18.

M&IC-W: That fine

Attack of the Killer Spider

Born in 1975 and I were driving to work today with the windows and sunroof open and the Junior Retreat Mix Tape blaring on the CD player. BI’75 was telling me how she believed a spider was living in her car, and I was telling her that she had to smash it the next time she saw it, when I looked out her window and THERE WAS THE SPIDER!

It was like a scene from a spider horror movie! It was spinning a web from her side-view mirror to the door handle, and, even as the car was moving, it was cruising up and down its thread. We, of course, screamed like little girls and closed all the windows. I told BI’75 that she had to burn the web on both sides of the spider while it was in the middle. She said that just because I burned my eyelashes off, that didn’t mean fire was the answer to everything. (The other night, a blob of sulfur flew off a match and onto my lower eyelid and burned away a section of lashes—very scary!) I told her that fire was the answer to everything if what you want to do is destroy everything. By then, we had gotten to 12th and Constitution, and it was time for me to get out and leave BI’75 to deal with the spider. It better not be there the next time I get in the car.

One For The Road

As I prepare to leave my present place of employment, I've been thinking about all the things I will miss. Instant message conversations like this one are not one of them:

[11:18] ACW: i cant reach anyone at [strategic partner located in Chicago]
[11:18] E: today or for a while?
[11:18] ACW: today
[11:18] E: they've only been in an hour - maybe they had a morning meeting
[11:18] ACW: well
[11:18] ACW: maybe i'll try in another hour

Flight To 1955

Yesterday afternoon, Annoying Co-Worker, Tiny Show-Off Girl and I flew to HQ's home state for a work event. TS-OG stepped away to call her husband to see how he was feeling as he has been suffering from bronchitis. When she returned, AC-W asked:

What arrangements did you make for [Spouse of Tiny Girl] for dinner? For his bedtime?

TS-OG blinked very hard and replied:

Oh, I'm sure he'll find something to eat.

I waited for her to comment on the bedtime question, and when she didn't, I chimed in:

I think he knows what time to go to bed, too.

TS-OG added:

Exactly. He's a night owl, I don't even know what time he goes to
sleep because I'm already asleep.

At that, AC-W blinked very hard as, I know from previous conversations, she and her spouse always go to bed at the same time and eat at the same time and probably poop at the same time. She claims that he has literally burned a pot of water. If she has to travel, she makes him an afternoon snack and a dinner dish for each night she is gone. What is amazing is that she is was upset that TS-OG doesn't do that for her husband and not upset that she acts like her own husband's servant/mother.

She's Back!

It's been a while and I know you've missed her, so back by popular demand, here's Annoying Co-Worker!

E*: You have a voice mail
AC-W: I never check it; I never get messages.
E: Well, you have one.

* I was looking at her phone becuase I had to check everyone's because of a problem with our phone system.

Then I'm NOT Sorry

At Pentagon City this afternoon, while BI'75 was picking out new glasses, I bought myself some pretzel sticks and settled on the bench outside of Lenscrafters to wait for her. When I sat down, I did so with more force than I intended. I glanced at the other person sitting on the bench to find that she was glaring at me with unbridled hostility.

"Sorry," I smiled.
"What are you sorry about," she replied, still staring at me.
"I'm sorry I shook the bench so hard."
"You don't need to be sorry about that. I'm done taking sorry as an excuse for everything. People say they are sorry all the time but that is just some bullshit."

And she gathered her belongings and stalked off.

THERE WILL BE NO SEEING!

ACW told me today that:

• She didn't believe in allergies
• Some person who wanted to get rich made allergies up
• She never heard of such a thing in India
• "We'll see" if allergies are real

AC-W IV

I just set up this file holder with a folder for each person we send things to in our other office. I sent out an email asking everyone to put items for each person in the appropriate folder. As I clicked send, I just knew AC-W would have something to say about it and was surprised when she did not reply (all of course because she always replies all). Just now she walked over to the shelf where it is and started inspecting it. This is the conversation that followed:

"These folders will fall."
"No, they won't."
"Yes, they will. It's open."
"That is a file holder. It was specifically designed to hold files.
That is all it is for."
"Well, it's open all sides. It's supposed to be boxed in"
"No, it's not."
"The files will fall."
"They won't fall. That is what it is for. That is a file holder. If
you go to Staples.com and look up file holders, you will see a picture
of that item."
"Well, we'll see."
"We won't have to see because that is a file holder and we have been
using it to hold files for three years and that is all it does."
"Wellllll, we'll see."

And she walked off.

AC-W III

This is a true story. The names have been changed to protect the freak.

It's 9:45 AM and E has just arrived at work. She puts her bag down, hangs up her coat and grabs her water cup to refill it. As she stands at the water cooler, she looks over her shoulder into AC-W's office and says,

"Good Morning."

"Good Morning," AC-W replies, "How was your day yesterday?" AC-W asks,
referring to the fact that E took the day off on Wednesday to hang out with a
friend who was in town. E wonders why AC-W has to know everything why people in general have to ask how your day was. Why do they care? It's not their day.

"Nice," E responds and returns her attention to pouring the water.

"Aren't you going to ask me how my court date went?" AC-W sounds shocked
and hurt. AC-W is involved in a small claims case which she worries about a
little too much.

"I'm sorry, I forgot. How was it?" E asks politely instead of screaming, Jesus Christ, woman! I just walked in the freaking door! I'm sorry I didn't ask you immediately about your life after you made such a point of asking me about mine, you need freak.

Every day. This is how it is every day.

Youth Literacy

In Barnes & Noble tonight, I overheard the clerk ask a young man if he had a Barnes & Noble card. He replied "No" and she asked him if he would like to sign up for one and he said "Nah, I only buy, like, one book a year."

Annoying Co-Worker II

Here is something that AC-W does every day and it is only a matter of time before I snap. She is often the first person here and she lays in wait in her office for the next arrival. When the next person gets to work, after they (me) don't call out hello immediately she cries out "Hello, hello!" in a sing-song voice. When the new arrival replies back "Hi" or "Good Morning" or, in my case, "Grunt" she then says "Sounds like......E!" as though she is a game show participant. I know who I am! Why is she telling me something that that I have know my whole life?

Annoying Co-Worker Strikes Again

We all have co-workers who drive us crazy. I certainly have one. But when I go to complain about her, I can never articulate just why she annoys me so much. Here is a perfect example

I was on the phone with a client and I was telling her how I was so sorry that I was late in delivering the names she had requested but that my email had been down on the day that she sent the request.

(We could send emails but not receive them and all the emails that were sent to us on that day were lost forever. We knew this was happening and were not sending any emails internally. My boss had forwarded me the email, knowing that I would not get it. So I really have two annoying co-workers. Back to the first.)

I finish on the phone with the client and go about my business. A few minutes later Annoying Co-Worker IMs me:

Annoying_Co-Worker: is our email down?
E: no
E: not that i know of
Annoying_Co-Worker: i though i heard u say that
Annoying_Co-Worker: no problem
E: no, i was talking about something that happened a month ago
Annoying_Co-Worker: oh

She is in another room! Why is she listening so closely to my conversations? I also wonder why she told me "No problem." Is she forgiving me for having a conversation in my own office?