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Where I'm From

2008-04-03T17:48:00.004-04:00

At a meeting on Monday, our facilitator had us do a group exercise. This type of thing usually leaves me groaning, rolling my eyes and writhing on the floor in agony (in my head, of course), but this one was actually kind of cool. He read us George Ella Lyon's poem "Where I'm From" and then had us write our own. There was a groan-inducing moment when the facilitator read his and it mentioned "shagging" his wife. Here's mine. What's yours?

I am from blacktop playgrounds and dusty public libraries,
From the Smithsonian and the Waterfront,
From the 930 Club and Fort Reno Park,
From “form follows function” and ROY G BIV,
From Warshington and Sandy Mush,
From Passover Seder and Easter Brunch.

2008-03-17T15:30:00.001-04:00

To quote College Humor, "the most accurate impression of singing Irishmen ever performed." In fact, I think I heard them singing at Clyde's yesterday.

Faster, Faster, Count!

2008-03-09T15:02:00.000-04:00

The Great Escape of 2008

2008-03-01T09:49:00.010-05:00

My Uncle Jeff (79) has debilitating Parkinsons. He cannot walk unassisted for even one step. A recent conversation that I had with him went like this:

E: How are you, Uncle Jeff?
J: I can't drive anywhere.
E: Did they take your car away?
J: They took my truck.
E: Well, Aunt Sarah will drive you anywhere that you want to go.
J: There's nowhere that I want to go.

I guess that got him thinking, "Or is there?" because on Wednesday, he made a break for it! He told Sarah that he wanted to sit on the back patio, so she put his coat and hat on him and helped him out there. She went back inside to do some housework, and when she went to check on him, HE WAS IN THE CAR. She ran up to the car, and when he saw her coming, HE LOCKED THE DOORS AND TOOK OFF.

He drove to the drugstore where he likes to have lunch and to the post office and back home again.

View Escape Route

I don't know if it was premeditated or if he just saw a window of opportunity. All I could imagine was a low-speed chase down West Main Street with a sheriff car tailing Uncle Jeff at 5 mph. I couldn't call Aunt Sarah for a full day because I knew I would crack up laughing. Thankfully, no one was injured during this crime spree. You can be sure that Aunt Sarah will be hiding the car keys from now on.

Does Not Follow Instructions Well

2008-02-26T14:21:00.002-05:00

Sign on my father's hospital room door:

Conversation between BI'75 and our mother:

BI'75: (Upon Mom's arrival in Dad's hospital room after riding public transportation) Did you wash your hands yet?
Mom: I washed them at home.

To-Do List for CA

2008-02-18T09:14:00.002-05:00

We are heading to CA to visit Baby Darwin (and his parents, too, I guess). I see our visit going something like this:

Arrive at Darwin's house
Cursory greetings to Darwin's parents
Knock parents to ground
Hold Darwin until BI'75 tackles me like a rugby player
Scheme ways to get Dawin away from BI'75
Outlet shopping
Fighting over baby
Wine drinking
Fighting over baby
Return to DC

Sounds like a pretty good vacation!

Writers Strike Over!

2008-02-12T23:05:00.005-05:00

I think these four young Tennesseans express my feelings on the end of the writers strike through bells better than I ever could in words.

Speak English

2008-02-12T10:41:00.001-05:00

To paraphrase 3YO, "No, you speak English."

Now, while this does make my skin crawl, it is not one of my absolute pet peeves. That is a tie between "anyways" and "her and I." I have a visible physical reaction when I hear someone utter those phrases. My mom can't stand "if it was me," something I am guilty of saying. What are your grammar grievances?

Bippity Boppity Bacon

2008-02-09T15:05:00.001-05:00

According to Jim Gaffigan, if you sprinkled Bac-Os^® on top of bacon, you could travel back in time. I wonder what he would think of chocolate bacon?

The Littlest Consumer

2008-02-09T14:58:00.001-05:00

Because American kids aren't fat, greedy or lazy enough, ads soon to be placed on school buses.

The First Rule of Book Club

2008-02-03T10:57:00.000-05:00

BI'75 likes to say that the first rule of Book Club is that you don't talk about Book Club. When she says that, I think she has images of us bludgeoning each other with that month's pick. The actual first rule of Book Club is that you have to admit when you didn't read the book (a rule that Bi'75 has to fulfill quite often).

I started Book Club with C and M1 over two years ago after C and I met at a bar to discuss Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince. We decided we wanted a Book Club where people could be introduced to books they might not otherwise have read. So far I've gotten everyone to read a graphic novel, a (liberal) Republican has rethought the war in Iraq and everyone has decided that Philip Roth is a mysoginistic pig-man.

I've changed the "books e read" to "e read for book club" because a. I read too many damn books to list and b. it's interesting to see the evolution of our choices and who picked what. The list is in order from most recent to least recent and the preceding inital represents who chose it. There are two ladies whose names begin with "m;" the numeral is who chose first, not who is more awesome because, really, how could I choose that.

Week Links

2008-02-03T10:11:00.000-05:00

Catch up on Lost at Lostpedia
Things my two-year old daughter taught me… [WalletPop]
Kitty Monkey Dog Bear??? [CuteOverload] (It’s my house bear!)
Beehives: Beauty Trend 2008 [Budget Fashionista] (I long to achieve volume of this…volume)
Pocket-sized portable power [PopGadget]
National Zoo Can Has [sic] a Baby Elephant? [DCist] (It’s my house elephant!]
Two very cool shops (as seen in Lucky)...Reform School Rules and REMO General Store
HI-YAH KARATE CHOP! [CuteOverload] (Another house bear?)

BEST. KANSAS. COVER. EVER.

2008-01-30T12:27:00.000-05:00

This little girl rocks so hard.

Yo' Mama

2008-01-29T09:11:00.000-05:00

A real-life example of how quickly a conversation with a toddler can degenerate:

3YO: [My cousins] call Mommy zia!
e: Do you know why they call her that?
3YO: They...they don’t know her name!
e: (Hiding laughter) Well, your mommy is Italian and zia is Italian for aunty. Like how Dora calls her aunty tia in Spanish.
3YO: Your mommy's Italian!

I didn't realize that they taught the dozens in pre-school, but I suppose it's never to early to learn quality yo' mama jokes.

I’m Back Baby!

2008-01-27T11:55:00.000-05:00

It’s been 159 days since I posted last. I could come up with a multitude of excuses, but they all boil down to one essential theme—laziness. All I can do is fervently promise to try and do better. In case anyone is interested, here is what I’ve been up to:

Lost over 20 pounds (and look pretty f***ing fantastic, if I do say so myself)
Become quite vain and fashion-obsessed since losing said 20 pounds, as I can now fit into clothes that aren’t from the plus-size section
Got a promotion to Senior Manager [of what I do]
Got a smartphone (along with promotion) and have become one of those horrible people who check their e-mail 24/7
Saw Jim Gaffigan live; peed in pants
Become an “aunty” to the Delicious Darwin Elvis (11/19/2007, 7lbs/12oz, 19") and the Lovely Lucie Lake (1/22/2008, 8lbs/2oz, 21”)
Arranged a lovely adult New Year’s Eve dinner at Bistro d’Oc (that later degenerated into childish drunkenness at the Capitol Lounge)
Re-read the Complete Novels of Jane Austen
Become obsessed with Georgette Heyer
Switched my skincare regimen from $$$ to ¢, resulting in better skin and more money in my wallet
Listened to Juno soundtrack approximately 3,439 times

I’m sure I’ve done lots of other fascinating stuff, but can't think of it now. Am I forgiven now?

My New Pet

2007-08-21T09:59:00.000-04:00

Since mean BI'75 doesn't want a kitten in our house, I've been forced to take drastic measures. Please meet my new hedgehog, Ferdinand:

adopt your own virtual pet!

Going Down

2007-06-27T10:31:00.000-04:00

I've lost eight pounds and just cracked 180! This chart only represents tracking from 185 pounds. Today's official weigh-in: 179.4.

Are We Living In a Charles Dickens Novel?

2007-06-20T11:46:00.000-04:00

It's not even noon and I have already heard of two instances of babies being left on doorsteps.

SE Washington, DC
Canton, OH

Does this really still happen? Do you think their mothers' left silver Tiffany rattles pinned to their hand-knit blankets? Do the babies have a rare royal birthmark that will prove them to be the sole heir to a wealthy throne? Did I read too many romance novels as a teen?

Note: Which one do you think made it on CNN?

Shake It, Baby!

2007-06-15T14:57:00.000-04:00

Check out the future go-go dancer!

Hah Hah Hah Hah Hah

2007-06-08T16:14:00.000-04:00

Too Soon?

2007-05-31T16:54:00.000-04:00

I'm not sure we're ready for a men's suit company to joke about sexual harassment for advertising purposes. Here are some screen shots from the ad. Click here and choose "harassment" to see the whole commercial.

Men In Suits

Women Lusting After Men in Suits

Woman Sexually Harassing Man in Suit

While I've seen other "turn the tables" commercials before (an excellent example being Diet Coke's "11:30 Break" campaign in the '80s), this one just rubbed me the wrong way. Maybe it's because the men in question are just so not hot (I know, I know, the point is that the suit makes them hot). Maybe it's also how smug they are--I feel like they are saying, "Sexual harassment is so cool! We wish we could be sexually harassed!" Yeah! Misogyny is awesome! Teach your sons!

Trey Has Arrived

2007-05-23T09:50:00.001-04:00

Mary and I were enjoying a beer on the balcony last night, waiting for Mama Robin to move her behind so that we could look at the eggs, when we heard something of a racket from her direction. A few minutes later, she took off and there was a third egg in the nest. Fingers crossed for IV tonight!

Double Trouble

2007-05-22T09:52:00.000-04:00

We have a second egg! According to Wikipedia, we could get up to five and our babies should be here in 11-14 days. The father helps sit on the eggs and feed the babies once they are born. How 2007!

Wake Up

2007-05-21T14:57:00.000-04:00

Check out Girl In a Coma. Best new band around.

Our New Tenant

2007-05-21T12:50:00.001-04:00

Our honeysuckle vine has a squatter!

How much rent should we charge?

Elephant Roams Free

2007-05-20T12:01:00.001-04:00

It is such a gorgeous day that Elephant asked to be let of the closet shelf so that he could roam the wilds (Mary's garden). Check out Flickr for more pix of Elephant running amok.

For those of you don't know, I have had Elephant since July 19, 1974. He is member of the rare Elephas Patchaworkus. He has been through two gender reassignments, a ceremonial tribal tattooing, a washing machine and more than one nail polish experiment.

Ouch

2007-05-10T16:28:00.000-04:00

Gosh! I hope this isn't me! A few more specifics would be nice.

Promises, Promises

2007-04-23T23:42:00.000-04:00

I had all these noble plans for day-by-day entries for my visit to the King-Bradley household in Belfast, but, as you may have heard, the road to hell is paved with good intentions. I came back to work to find, of all things, a load of work waiting for me and haven't had a moment to blog. Therefore, I bring you the quick recap.

Arrive Belfast. See house. Ooh/aah at improvements. (Actually, I should not gloss over this--the house is lovely. Healy has done a beautiful job. The moldings are gorgeous.) Go to restaurant called Sopranos (called so because the owners like the HBO show...not joking.) Got spectacularly drunk. Went back to Healy/Coll's where Healy and I proceeded to ooh/ahh over said moldings and discuss bookshelves. Passed out.

Woke up noonish. Went on bus tour of Belfast (yes, Belfast has tourism) All, including Coll, were impressed by tour guide. Went back to Healy/Coll's and watched TV. Sleep.

Woke up noonish. Went to see ring and henge (no Stonehenge, but enjoyable nonetheless). Went to Tesco. Was admonished for acting like a three-year old. Went back to Healy/Coll's and prepare to par-tay by testing Margarita recipes and applying makeup. Par-tayed with Healy/Colleen/Catherine McCann/Michelle Quinn/various other characters including one angry young man who wanted me to apologize for all of America, which I would not since he could not even understand the simple concept of federalism/DC has no vote. Shared bed with Michelle Quinn and her fantastic party dress.

Woke up before noonish but spent day on couch watching Buffy marathon. Rallied to hit bars around 10:00 (where much fun was had). Refused to go home but was made to by mean Healy who turned out to be right in the end since we had to get up at the crack of dawn (11:00 AM) to go to Derry for Sunday dinner.

Arrived Derry (after lovely nap in car). Was fed lamb and chicken and roasted potatoes and mashed potatoes and carrots and parsnips and gravy. Then was fed butterscotch pudding and toffee cheesecake and Swiss roll and Vienna roll and whipped cream and apple crumble. Took Coll's nephews to park. Waited for Coll's dad to fix her car (which only unlocked at the trunk and had a very complicated system of which doors open from the inside or out). Returned to Belfast. Sleep.

Woke up noonish (what is wrong with me??). Met Coll for lunch. Shopped. Waited in bar for Coll. Went back to Healy/Coll's. Ordered Domino's (American rules the seas). Contemplated ordering more pizza. Watch much crap British/Irish TV. Went to sleep early with best of intentions but was woken up by many baby-related text messages (11:00 PM--pictures of friend's small child; 2:00 AM announcement of friend's pregnancy).

Woke up 7ish (late for when I needed to leave). Went to airport. Began incredibly long journey home (all flights delayed; got home midnight EST).

THE END!

There Have Been Some Complaints

2007-04-10T10:11:00.000-04:00

Apparently, I haven't been posting enough. There have been instant messages, rude comments and, on at least one occasion, someone yelling through my bedroom wall that I should "update [my] fucking blog." To make up for lost time, I will be going back in time and posting backdated entries about my trip to Belfast. Please scroll down for entries starting on March 27.

Twenty Steps to London Town

2007-03-28T09:15:00.000-04:00

Leave house
Walk to Circulator, take to L’Enfant Plaza
Take Green Line from L’Enfant Plaza to Greenbelt
Take bus from Greenbelt to BWI, arrive 12:35
Smoke cigarette.
Go through security
Walk thirty minutes to gate, past gates that haven’t been built yet, turn around, go back, ask someone, “Is this really the way to Gate [whatever it was],” turn back around, find gate
Sit quietly eating tuna sandwich and hear three small children run in screaming, “I want to see the kangaroos now!” They were on their way to Australia. I suggested to their mother that if a little whiskey made it into their sippy cups, no one would hold it against her.
Take twenty minute flight to Philly, arrive 3:15 for 8:55 flight
Smoke cigarette
Go through security
Wait
Repeat steps 10-12
Repeat steps 10-12
Repeat steps 10-12
Board plane and am shocked to find out that US Air charges $5 for drinks. Find $10.
Score row of four seats to myself after moving from front row (where the arms don’t go up) to second row and slowly encroaching on the personal space of the Englishman sharing the row with me until he kindly moved so that I could stretch out.
Felt bad that a person at least six inches taller than me had moved to a two-seat row so that I could stretch out in a four-seat row
Eight seconds later, stopped feeling bad
Fall asleep and wake up in London

The Last IM

2007-03-27T09:25:00.000-04:00

H: i'm leaving here shortly to paint my skirting boards and go to last salsa class
E: and by skirting board....
H: the thing around the walls by the floor
E: BASEBOARDS. WE CALL THEM BASEBOARDS
H: skirting is acceptable
E: god, i can't get there soon enough--you need some american
H: my mother calls them skirting
E: your mother is not a good example in this instance
H: i think if they are fancy then they are skirting
E: and what COULOUR will they be?
H: she knows her decor
E: don't you mean DECOUR
H: (ha Ha)
H: no but i would but an accent on it
E: i will be there in 24 hours to yankee you up
H: ok dokey
E: i'm off to take the shower that's going to see me through to belfast
H: make it count
E: see you tomorrow!
H: have a nice trip!
H: byeeee
E: byeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee now

Just How Fast Can Food Be?

2007-02-28T20:57:00.000-05:00

Well, I'll tell you! Not since the now-defunct Tik Tok have I been this excited about an automated food-dispensing maching (although the convenience noodle vending machines in China were pretty cool). I give you the Wonder Pizza!

It makes you a 9" pizza in two minutes. Two minutes! Hell, yeah!

He Has Risen

2007-02-15T17:31:00.001-05:00

No, not Jesus, silly (although, if you look closely, you can see his bleeding heart or holy ghost or burning bush or some other thing above my head). Tony T, the world's best bartender in the whole world, has opened his bar, The Pug. Below is a photo of BI'75 and me enjoying our first beers on his first night.

Congrats to Tony T (and to us for having a new drinking hole)!

Yummy Candy

2007-02-15T17:30:00.000-05:00

BI'75 is mentioned in Daily Candy!

Nobody Bothers Me!

2007-02-12T19:15:00.000-05:00

Calling all Washingtonians! Look what BI'75 dug up for us!

Does It Mean You're Old...

2007-02-06T23:57:00.000-05:00

...When the music that meant you were alternative and cool because you listened to it before everyone else and even had it on vinyl is being used in a fast food advertisement? Because I just heard "Blister in the Sun" on a Wendy's commercial. Oh, it hurts.

Countdown to Normalcy

2007-02-06T23:01:00.000-05:00

I pay only $400 per month to live in a three-bedroom townhouse in a neighborhood where housing prices are soaring. Jealous? Don’t be. As with any sweet deal, there is a catch.

For nine months out of the year, BI’75 and I have the house to ourselves. We cook healthy dinners every night, the kitchen is always clean and there is always plenty of cheese. A person can lay on the couch uninterrupted for hours and never has to answer questions ranging from why the people in commercials talk so fast to what my generation thinks of “this mess.”

For the other three months, our house is overrun by senior citizens. CNN blares from every TV and NPR from every radio—at the same time. I give computer and cell phone tutorials on a nightly basis. The kitchen is littered with American cheese wrappers and we are always out of milk. The fights start promptly at 7:00 AM, and I have to threaten someone with the old folks home at least once a week. Please refer to my list of grievances from last year for more.

Since I can’t afford the other $1,600 per month that would make up half the rent on a place like this, I suppose it’s a small price to pay, but that doesn’t mean I’m not counting the days until Ma and Pa E pack up and head north.

Putting the UK in Yuck

2007-02-03T16:46:00.000-05:00

It's been a while since the United Kingdom had a deadly animal-related disease terrorizing its citizens, so you can imagine that I was not surprised when CNN revealed that the country to which it had been referring to in the teases about the bird flu "hitting closer to home was the UK. For a nation without rabies, they sure make up for lost time (where time equals animal-related deaths). I wonder how much overtime the Irish Garda will log checking the trunks of cars crossing the Northern Ireland/Ireland border *.

* Reference to extremely long period of time spent waiting to cross said border at the height of the hoof and mouth panic. Wait ended with the Garda checking Coll's trunk for, what I could only assume to be, a smuggled cow.

Extreme Decrease In Blogging

2007-02-03T15:24:00.000-05:00

I just switched to the new Blogger format. I like the way the new system organizes my archives, but I was shocked to see how my numbers have decreased since I first started blogging.

In 2005, I posted every 3.04 days.
In 2006, I posted every 9.86 days.
In 2007, so far, I have posted every 17 days.

In my defense, it has been a rough year so far. Alobar was very sick and had to be put to sleep last Saturday. I picked up his ashes today; the crematorium put them in a miniature wooden mausoleum. They also made a little paw print (a little creepy).

People keep asking me if I am going to get a new cat (for example, Papa E, to whom I responded, "When you die, am I supposed to get a new dad?"). I had a very strong reaction to W's cat rubbing against my legs the other day--I couldn't get away from her fast enough. Maybe in a few months. Alobar was such a kick-ass cat and will be difficult to replace.

So, the next time you have a drink, pour one out for our feline homie.

Alobar

March 19, 1993 - January 27, 2007

Pimp | Killer | Cutie-Pie

My Eyes!

2007-01-13T13:21:00.000-05:00

After 26 years of coke-bottle lenses, uncomfortable contacts and a not a few incidents of glasses falling behind the bed not to be found for up to an hour, I can finally see my clock in the morning without holding it up to my face. That's right, I got LASIK! Here is what they did to my eyes:

Now, I can:

Tell the difference between shampoo and conditioner (and toothpaste and cortizone cream
Pluck my eyebrows without putting my nose to the mirror
Wear any kind of sunglasses I want

And much, much more!

When searching for the above image, I came across this:

Check out their site--super funny. I hope some people actually try to order this; they deserve to be out $99.00 for being stupid.

Thanks to Papa E for the best present ever.

Channeling Dominic Dunne

2007-01-13T11:57:00.000-05:00

Papa E loves his trademark round glasses, so you can imagine his dismay when the optician broke them when replacing his prescription. After they refused to replace them free of charge, he ordered a new pair. The optician suggested he get a larger size. What arrived was just too ridiculous for words. So we took pictures. Click on Papa E to see the glasses modeled by the entire family as well as house guests.

China Trip

2006-12-12T23:05:00.000-05:00

Click each photo for more!

Ketchup

2006-11-19T11:28:00.000-05:00

I know, I know...it's been too long since I've posted, and you are all crying yourselves to sleep at night because you don't know what I'm up to. Well, put away those hankies, because here's a recap!

I'm going to China! I'm leaving on 12/3, arriving on 12/4 and returning on 12/9. I'll be in Beijing and, possibly, Shenzhen. I can't wait to do all of my holiday shopping for under $20.
Went to Cirque du Soleil: Corteo. Completely amazing. ~~I want to be in a circus.~~ Removed because I know all you haters will have something to say about that.
I saw Borat. At one point, I was laughing so hard that there were tears streaming down my face and pain in my side. I had my hands over my face and my laughing spasms caused me to scratch my own nose. Everyone must see this movie.
My hair has gotten past another awkward stage and is well on it's way to being officially medium lengthed. I'll get BI'75 to snap some photos.
I have pneumonia/tuberculosis/scarlet fever. Or a slight cold. I'm not sure which. I stopped taking Sudafed because of the insane panic attacks it caused, so I've been taking echinacea and zinc. Any other suggestions?
We're going up to MV to see Ma and Pa E for Turkey Day. Papa E is feeling much better. He had a second cardioversion on Friday and says that he can now feel that his heart is beating normally. He has lots of garden chores waiting for us.
Alobar has lost 2.5 pounds in two months! He was already skinny in August at 14 lbs, and when I took him to the vet on Wednesday because he's had tummy problems, he weighed in at 11.5! He's so teeny and you can see every knob on his spine. I'm working on fattening him back up.

Other than my two new purses for $10 each and my new cushy pillows, I can't think of anything else. Promise to be better!

Nice Is Back

2006-11-01T18:43:00.000-05:00

Last night, in the midst of the usual 35-year-old trick-or-treaters with no costumes, was a young man dressed as a skeleton. As BI'75 put a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup in the young skeleton's pumpkin, he said "I'm just being nice to everyone." She told him she thought that was great and continued handing out candy to the rest of the kids at the door. As the skeleton turned away, he looked back over his shoulder and repeated "I'm just trying to be nice to everyone tonight."

This incident reminded me of a boy I saw at the library last week. He was pulling a wheeled schoolbag and wearing a white oxford shirt under a green t-shirt that read "Be nice. Work hard." I traced the t-shirt to KIPP Academy, a sort of franchise charter school with almost 50 "branches" in New York, California, Texas, North Carolina (to name a few) and DC.

Now, I've only heard/seen young children talking about being nice. I haven't actually seen any evidence of the niceness. But I'm keeping an eye out.

The Stingrays Are Angry...

2006-10-19T16:39:00.000-04:00

It sounds like the stingrays have organized. I understand the Steve Irwin hit, but I wonder what poor James Bertakis did to them? Maybe he the head of a secret anti-stingray organization. Don't those stingrays know that violence is never the answer? They should give civil disobedience a try; they're only making a bad name for themselves with all this stabbing-in-the-heart business.

The Cursive Wars

2006-10-12T10:47:00.000-04:00

Proof that what I knew at six is true: cursive makes you smarter. In first grade, I was obsessed with the cursive in the back of the spelling book. It was so tantalizing--and so cruel! The teacher told me we wouldn't be allowed to learn cursive until the end of second grade. So, of course, I taught myself. And then I taught BI'75 (age 5). BI'75 then got in trouble with her kindergarten teacher for not printing. She maintains that her "fucked up handwriting" (her description, not mine) is my fault for teaching her too young. I maintain that people who know cursive are smarter and she was lucky I imparted my some of my vast wisdom to her.

P.S. I have lovely handwriting.

What She Said

2006-09-22T10:44:00.000-04:00

B'75 says it best. Haven't really been doing much except worrying about my old mens (Papa E and Alobar). Stuttering a lot, which I haven't done in years--brain must be too full.

Select State

2006-09-06T13:55:00.000-04:00

Even those watchdogs of fairness and equality over at the People for the American Way have proven to be insensitive to the disenfranchisement of the District of Columbia in their own small way (even as they support HR 5388). If you go the elections page for DC, you will be given the opportunity to view the status of our gubernatorial race.

Wait? We have a governor?

This is even better than phoning a call center and having them ask you what state you are in. Even call centers in DC do this. It is not quite as good as the first time I'm tried to buy a cell phone from the AT&T website back in '99. The did not even have DC in their drop-down box. The customer service representative who bore the brunt of my frustration suggested that I try using MD or VA because "it was the same thing." That did not work and he was treated to a civics lesson which I'm sure he appreciates to this day.

Out of the Mouths of Dads

2006-09-01T10:08:00.000-04:00

"The worst part about starting school in the fall is having to wear shoes again."

- Papa E

Half Life

2006-08-14T17:22:00.000-04:00

Exchange from instant message conversation during which Anonymous Friend discusses a recent OB/GYN appointment where the doctor forced samples of Yaz on her.

AF: The doctor all but dumped the birth control in my purse. I could tell by the look in his eyes that he was thinking, "I am not letting this smart young woman out of this exam room without protecting her from unwanted pregnancy."

E: Did he stress upon you about taking it at the same time? Birth control pills have a short half-life, meaning if you are supposed to have it at 8:00 AM, but take it at 4:00 PM, you could be UNPROTECTED for hours.

AF: Then wouldn't it be better to pick a time of day when it will be most effective against pregnancy? Like happy hour?

E: That does seem logical.

Anonymous Friend has also provided a transcript of the pre-sample-giving conversation.

Doc: Are you taking any form of birth control?

AF: No. I've avoided it because I've never wanted to worry about side effects or weird hormone stuff

Doc: The side effects of pregnancy are a lot worse than any possible side effects of the birth control pills.

The New (and Improved?) Annoying-Co-Worker

2006-08-11T11:18:00.000-04:00

I'm sure all of you have missed my tales of the Annoying Co-Worker (Who, if the truth be told, was only annoying occasionally and is actually a very nice person. It's just that when she annoying, she was very, very annoying). Well, pine no more...introducing Moronic & Idiotic Co-Worker (M&IC-W). The following is an e-mail exchange between M&IC-W and myself. His spelling and grammar have not been altered, but names have been changed to protect the innocent (and moronic and idiotic).

M&IC-W: I'm out of biz card. I need more but just a small box will do for up coming shows

E: Are there any changes you need made or just print as is?

M&IC-W: For now just print as is on board not the crack and peel

E: When do you need these cards by and where do you want them delivered?

M&AC-W - Before [show], to my [home] address

E: What day are you leaving for [show] so I can plan for the cards to arrive before then?

M&IC-W: 10 days

E: Are you leaving on August 20? If so, I will arrange to have the cards delivered by August 18.

M&IC-W: That fine

E Gets A Facelift

2006-08-10T15:27:00.000-04:00

No, not me, silly, the blog! I decided it was high time I tried a new template. However, like all plastic surgery, the initial results are not exactly what you expected. Everything seems swollen and shiny and just not quite right. I'm sure I'll need various touch ups to get me back in racing form, so bear with me!

How I Spent My Summer Vacation by E

2006-08-08T13:26:00.000-04:00

Last week, BI'75 and I visited the Kennedy’s compound on Martha’s Vineyard. After arriving by private jet, we were each shown to our private suite. Our second evening, we were the guests of honor at a fabulous soiree at the club. The rest of our days were spent sunning ourselves on our private beach and shopping to our hearts’ content. Naturally, we partook in the de rigeur croquet games and clam bakes. All in all it was a lovely week, and we can’t wait for our next trip.

Glossary of Terms

Kennedy: Early
Compound: My parent’s 800 square foot house
Private Jet: Ferry (following 10 hour drive)
Private Suite: Closet with child’s twin bed
Soiree: Dip and wine
Club: Porch
Private Beach: State Beach
Shopping: Window shopping
Croquet: Helping Dad garden
Clam Bake: Sitting on the porch drinking cheap Chablis

Attack of the Killer Spider

2006-07-25T10:07:00.000-04:00

Born in 1975 and I were driving to work today with the windows and sunroof open and the Junior Retreat Mix Tape blaring on the CD player. BI’75 was telling me how she believed a spider was living in her car, and I was telling her that she had to smash it the next time she saw it, when I looked out her window and THERE WAS THE SPIDER!

It was like a scene from a spider horror movie! It was spinning a web from her side-view mirror to the door handle, and, even as the car was moving, it was cruising up and down its thread. We, of course, screamed like little girls and closed all the windows. I told BI’75 that she had to burn the web on both sides of the spider while it was in the middle. She said that just because I burned my eyelashes off, that didn’t mean fire was the answer to everything. (The other night, a blob of sulfur flew off a match and onto my lower eyelid and burned away a section of lashes—very scary!) I told her that fire was the answer to everything if what you want to do is destroy everything. By then, we had gotten to 12th and Constitution, and it was time for me to get out and leave BI’75 to deal with the spider. It better not be there the next time I get in the car.

Aim High!

2006-07-17T15:42:00.000-04:00

Received via USPS today:

One (1) autographed copy of a miniature movie poster for Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle. John Cho ripped it off his own wall and signed it:

Elizabeth--
Aim HIGH!
Best Wishes,
John Cho

BI'75 wants to frame it and put it in the downstairs bathroom. I want to frame it and put it in the kitchen. What do you think?

Picture of poster to follow soon.

Bradley Is The New Kinkade

2006-06-27T09:38:00.000-04:00

Here is an example of Northern Irish art; I hope this is the exception rather than the rule. To quote Jett Loe from Letter to America, "He makes Thomas Kinkade look like Vincent Van Gogh." You should all listen to Letter to America: Chapter 39--all about a Belfast art gallery scandal and resulting protest along with some very funny stuff about Val Kilmer as De Kooning in Pollock. I wonder who will play Kinkade in his biopic?

The Big Tour of Death and Art

2006-06-14T16:30:00.000-04:00

As predicted, much of our trip to Vermont was dedicated to cemeteries and artists' facilities. On Saturday, we drove to Barre, VT, home of the Rock of Ages quarry (they have enough granite to quarry for another 4,500 years!). Because of all that granite, many Italian and Scottish stone carvers emigrated to Barre in the 19th century to practice their artistry on grave markers. It has become a tradition in Barre for stone carvers to make their own grave markers, resulting in some pretty funky stones. You can check out the ones I didn't photograph because I was smoking at Kelly's friend Joe's Flickr page. Don't miss the pix of Kelly and Joe bowling on the outdoor granite bowling alley at Rock of Ages. There is also a pretty spectacular photo of the quarry itself. Every time I think, hear, say or write quarry, I think of Fred Flintstone.

The second day, we drove to Salem, NY (near Bennington, VT) to visit BI'75's friend Anthony Cafritz's new venture, Salem Art Works. Located on a 174-acre (former) dairy farm, Salem Art Works is "an independent artists' community where experienced artists and newcomers alike can work, exhibit, nurture new ideas, and learn from each other." We went off-roading to the top of this hill, and, later, Anthony said "BI'75, grab your beer. I'm going to teach you to drive stick," and BI'75 drove his manual Chevy pickup. It was all very exciting.

The food we ate is another entry. Mmmmm...organic Vermont.

Journey to the Great White North

2006-06-08T21:34:00.000-04:00

Tomorrow afternoon, Born in 1975 and I head up the Eastern Seaboard (and a little inland) to Burlington, VT. The temperatures will be frigid, which is especially of concern to me as I don't seem to own any socks. I've been instructed to bring a fleece with me; I believe that this garment is the traditional native costume of Vermont. Our itinerary includes, but is not limited to:

Five Spice Cafe
Vermont State House
Rock of Ages
Hope Cemetery
Side trip to Bennington, VT to see Anthony Cafritz
Salem Art Works
Blue Benn
The Trolley Car

Jeezum Crow! This trip appears to be heavy on quaint cafes, dead people and art and light on drinking beer. We'll just have to see what we can do about that.

Pilfering Peppers

2006-06-08T09:43:00.000-04:00

I’ve been hearing Red Hot Chili Peppers’ “Dani California” on the radio lately and have found it very confusing because I could have sworn it was a really old song, but everyone is talking about their new album. Well, it all became clear today when I heard a news bit about Tom Petty considering taking legal action against RHCP for ripping off “Mary Jane’s Last Dance.” Apparently, RHCP has gotten tired of just being derivative; they have gone the full monty and actually stolen a song. When will they get it through their heads that they were meant to be a one-hit wonder? Check out the comparison of the two songs here.

Rethinking Canadians

2006-06-06T17:06:00.000-04:00

Most people who know me even in passing know this: I have an inexplicable hatred of Canadians based on little else than seeing Strange Brew once when I was nine. I find their well-scrubbed faces suspicious, their non-accents grating and their willingness to live in below-freezing temperatures baffling. Hmm...maybe it is explicable. But these two young men are making me take a long hard look at my prejudice against our neighbors to the North and my prejudices in general (except against tall people—they are freaks and I don’t like them).

One Red Paper Clip
The Last Angry Young Man (be sure to check out his Monkey Chow Diaries)

And Another Thing!

2006-06-06T15:38:00.000-04:00

Why does Blogger's spell check always pick up the word "blog" and offer the following replacements?

bloc
Bloch
blows
bloke

Huh. That would make a great headline about an Eastern European politician getting caught in a gay-prostitution sex scandal.

Bobby Lee! John Cho!

2006-05-25T16:31:00.000-04:00

Funniest. Bit. Ever.

Om II

2006-05-02T17:05:00.000-04:00

I went to yoga class for the first time after a brief (14 month) hiatus. One hour of sun salutations and warrior 1-4, and I'm a new woman. Today, downward dog; tomorrow, pilates. Someone stop me! Seriously, someone stop me - I could really hurt myself!

Slackerdom

2006-04-29T07:37:00.000-04:00

I have been remiss. I have been lax. Let's just face it, I have been lazy. I acually have nothing to say; I just thought it seemed like a good time I broke the silence. So much for "not boring in 2006."

Of Course!

2006-03-29T14:12:00.000-05:00

I guess it's a good thing that I'm not the casting director for Magnum, P.I.: The Movie, because I have been racking my brain trying to figure out who could play Thomas Magnum and keep coming up blank. I left it to the professionals, and they have narrowed it down to two very good choices. I'm rooting for Vince Vaughn - that man can work a mustache. Love ya, George, but you might be a little over the hill for this one.

Ow

2006-03-19T21:30:00.000-05:00

MY TOOTH HURTS.

I don't have anything to say about that. I could rant about the evils of dentists and dental hygenists, but it would just sound like whining, because my tooth hurts so damn much. I most certainly will be taking a Tylenol PM this PM.

I Guess It's Time To Update the Blog When...

2006-03-01T19:05:00.000-05:00

...you dream about your blog. And it was a super weird dream. My sister and I started a brothel, and the Post wrote an article about us and sex workers' rights, and instead of listing our names as First Name Last Initial, they listed them as First Initial Last Name AND linked to our blogs! And then someone wrote a review of my blog, and it they panned it! They said it used to be good, but now it sucks. I'm sorry, Mean Dream Blog Reviewer! I've been really busy!

Valentine This, Bitches

2006-02-14T09:58:00.000-05:00

I Got Gas This Morning

2006-01-31T21:49:00.000-05:00

Literally as he said the words "America is addicted to oil", I heard Bush's helicoptor pass my house for at least the third time tonight.

8:45 Flies Bush to Capitol
8:50 Leaves Capitol
8:50-9:50 Flies around DC
TBD Flies Bush back to the White House

That man uses more gas than anyone in town. Choppers to the Capitol. Motorcades 20 cars long. Who's going to wean his ass off of oil?

Economics 101

2006-01-30T16:05:00.000-05:00

Now I'm no high-falutin' finance guru, but could the reason that Exxon's profits are so high be that they were selling gas at a record high prices? But, but...I thought that was because there was a fuel crisis. Does this mean big business lied to us?

The Second Amendment

2006-01-26T13:05:00.000-05:00

For my country cousin.

R.I.P Chris Penn

2006-01-26T09:08:00.000-05:00

The better of the two Penns passed away yesterday, leaving behind many opportunities to play bigoted cops to the chubby actors of tomorrow. No, really, I jest. I love Chris Penn and have always thought that he was sorely underappreciated. I had forgotten until today that he played Willard Who Can't Dance in Footloose, but what I didn't know was that he had a guest spot on The Young Riders. I wonder if that is in syndication anywhere?

ETA: Young Riders Season 1 is coming out on DVD on March 21 if anyone wants to buy it for me.

One For The Road

2006-01-25T11:22:00.000-05:00

As I prepare to leave my present place of employment, I've been thinking about all the things I will miss. Instant message conversations like this one are not one of them:

[11:18] ACW: i cant reach anyone at [strategic partner located in Chicago]
[11:18] E: today or for a while?
[11:18] ACW: today
[11:18] E: they've only been in an hour - maybe they had a morning meeting
[11:18] ACW: well
[11:18] ACW: maybe i'll try in another hour

You Make Me So Very Happy

2006-01-24T23:08:00.000-05:00

It's like a dream come true - the lip-synching Chinese boys have a website, and it's filled with video after glorious video.

BEST. MOVIE. NEWS. EVER.

2006-01-24T14:45:00.000-05:00

The Magnum P.I. movie is coming, the Magnum P.I. movie is coming! Who will play Magnum? Who could possibly be as sexy as Tom Selleck?

Oh, the dimples. Oh, the mustache. Oh, the humanity.

How To Drink Hot Cocoa On A Mountain

2006-01-18T10:22:00.000-05:00

How NOT To Act In A Gallery

2006-01-17T13:19:00.000-05:00

I'm not allowed to come to openings by myself, because I might do something like this. It's all "Do as I say, not do as I do," eh, BI'75?

* Note red wine being held precariously around the sculpture by not one, but two, people!

Not Boring in '06

2006-01-05T18:29:00.000-05:00

One of my New Year's Resolutions is to update my blog more often. Unfortunately, it appears that I have nothing to say! So my new resolution is to not be boring. I should have some very not boring pictures of BI'75, WhinoRhino, Coll and me at Ski Liberty and the Legwarmers show soon (hint, hint, Healy).

No Longer Worthless

2005-12-10T07:39:00.000-05:00

Where do I get my check?

My blog is worth $564.34.
How much is your blog worth?

Get Your Pineapple While It's Hot

2005-12-03T11:15:00.000-05:00

BI'75 has thing-ness - check it out by searching "Mary Early" at Washington Post.

ETA: Removed actual link because WP was being all Big Brother on me.

Flight To 1955

2005-12-02T08:27:00.000-05:00

Yesterday afternoon, Annoying Co-Worker, Tiny Show-Off Girl and I flew to HQ's home state for a work event. TS-OG stepped away to call her husband to see how he was feeling as he has been suffering from bronchitis. When she returned, AC-W asked:

What arrangements did you make for [Spouse of Tiny Girl] for dinner? For his bedtime?

TS-OG blinked very hard and replied:

Oh, I'm sure he'll find something to eat.

I waited for her to comment on the bedtime question, and when she didn't, I chimed in:

I think he knows what time to go to bed, too.

TS-OG added:

Exactly. He's a night owl, I don't even know what time he goes to
sleep because I'm already asleep.

At that, AC-W blinked very hard as, I know from previous conversations, she and her spouse always go to bed at the same time and eat at the same time and probably poop at the same time. She claims that he has literally burned a pot of water. If she has to travel, she makes him an afternoon snack and a dinner dish for each night she is gone. What is amazing is that she is was upset that TS-OG doesn't do that for her husband and not upset that she acts like her own husband's servant/mother.

It's Official

2005-11-21T20:39:00.000-05:00

People don't care anymore. I saw a young woman in workout clothes on the Metro tonight carrying a small tote bag (about 6x6x4) stuffed with her street clothes. She was also carrying a plastic produce bag with her coffee mug, dirty dishes and her bra. Yes, her bra. It was tan and padded and, I would estimate, a 36B. It wasn't so big that she couldn't have stuffed it her little tote (which was very not cute, by the way). Why did she have to put it in the clear plastic bag for the world to see? I hope she has "gym bag" on her holiday wish list in big letters.

Suckers!

2005-11-15T18:54:00.000-05:00

I do not have what could be described as the best library record. Before the advent of computers, whenever I had too many overdue books, I would simply "lose" my library card and get a fresh one and start the cycle over again. Then one day that didn't work. I owed money. Big money. So I left the library and never went back. Until today.

Today, the Martin Luther King Public Library issued me a library card. I was so nervous going in. In the event that they looked up my name and found that I had hundreds of overdue books, BI'75 was to throw a handful of confetti in the librarian's face while I made a getaway. I was fully expected sirens to go off and a net to drop from the ceiling but the librarian just handed me my new card and wished me pleasant reading.

I guess the DCPL hasn't heard the old adage "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me." And that was some kind of foolish giving the likes of me a library card!

She's Back!

2005-11-11T16:07:00.000-05:00

It's been a while and I know you've missed her, so back by popular demand, here's Annoying Co-Worker!

E*: You have a voice mail
AC-W: I never check it; I never get messages.
E: Well, you have one.

* I was looking at her phone becuase I had to check everyone's because of a problem with our phone system.

Indian Yoga Versus Irish Yoga

2005-11-08T09:21:00.000-05:00

Can you guess which is which?

I'm Worthless!

2005-10-17T18:03:00.000-04:00

My blog is worth $0.00.
How much is your blog worth?

Vacation Bar

2005-10-17T08:22:00.000-04:00

Since the Lounge burned down, I have been searching for a replacement watering hole. I've tried many potentials but none feel quite right. The closest, and most surprising, possibility has been the Pour House. It's one block from the Lounge and has drawn in many refugees. Also, it's run by former Lounge bartenders and has taken in a lot of the staff left unemployed by the fire. But I still don't feel quite at home there; in fact, I feel a little like I'm on vacation. This has the unfortunate result of me drinking like I'm on vacation which means I got super, think-I'm-in-my-20's drunk three times last week. Now I need a vacation from my vacation bar.

12" Too Much, 6"...Just Not Enough

2005-10-11T13:17:00.000-04:00

A 6" sub, no matter how loaded, will not fill you up. The 12", however, is daunting; no one needs that much sandwich. I feel pressured to eat all 12" and often wind up too full. My solution: Subway should make 9" subs. "However will they do that? The system is based on 12" rolls cut in half to make 2 6" rolls," you ask? I have given this careful thought and here are the options:

Cut off 3" and donate the remainders to food kitchens
(a'la the muffin top)
Cut off 3" and offer a 3" sub
Just bake a damn 9" roll!

What A Doll

2005-09-24T10:57:00.000-04:00

They didn't have a "curvy" doll so let's pretend I'm skinny for a minute.

Lifelong Research Finally Realized

2005-09-20T21:56:00.000-04:00

Name That Candy Bar!

Arrggh & Avast Ye, Matey

2005-09-18T09:10:00.000-04:00

Healy has just reminded me that tomorrow is International Talk Like A Pirate Day. For your enjoyment, the original list of "Things Scurvy Pirates Never Say.

I need a manicure, arrggh.
Would ye like yer daily vitamin supplement? Arrggh.
Arrggh, me psychiatrist says I'm transferring me anger at me brother.
Would ye like some vegemite? Arrggh.
Arrggh ye going to Scarsborough Fair?
Would ye like another slice of quiche? Arrggh.

Geek vs. Dork vs. Nerd

2005-09-16T23:50:00.000-04:00

BI'75 says I am nerd. I say I am dork. Wikipedia says I'm a geek (although I would argue that their definition should be reassigned to dork whose definition they have deleted).

I fully admit to being a dork/wikipedia-geek. I love trivia. I love senseless facts. I obsess over random subjects (i.e., calendar reform). But Wikipedia, my spiritual home, says I am a geek; not a dork.

What do you say?

No Underpants

2005-08-31T21:51:00.000-04:00

Contrary to popular (or maybe just my) belief, the Red Cross does not need underpants. Or pajamas or canned food or any other items. They just need our moola and we should give it to them. Click on the banner to the right to help out.

Is It Wrong...

2005-08-30T13:04:00.000-04:00

...that I have been craving pralines all day?

STDs & You

2005-08-12T22:40:00.000-04:00

Actual conversation with my mother:

Mom: (while rubbing her lower abdomen) Do you ever get crabs?
Me: Cramps?
Mom: No, crabs.
Me: Crabs are pubic lice.
Mom: Really? I thought crabs was diarrhea.
Me: No, it's pubic lice.
Mom: (giggles)
Me: I hope you haven't been telling people you have crabs.
Mom: No, no. Anyway, I was wondering if you had diarrhea from lunch.
Me: Nope, no diarrhea. Besides, we had different things.
Mom: Well, we ate at the same place.
Me: I don't think they sprinkle diarrhea powder on the food at Au Bon Pain.

And this is the woman who taught me about the birds and the bees.

Edited...because, unlike all the folks who have written "Pubic Defender" in their resumes, I wrote "public" instead of "pubic".

Tainted Blog

2005-08-08T22:50:00.000-04:00

The following "comment" has appeared on a recent entry:

Anonymous said...
I like a good blog when I see one. I also have a dental plan blog for others to learn more about dental plan. Stop on by!

Another reason to hate the dentist.

By The Skin of Her Teeth

2005-08-08T16:49:00.000-04:00

This is a connection I think I would be glad to miss.

Then I'm NOT Sorry

2005-08-02T20:56:00.000-04:00

At Pentagon City this afternoon, while BI'75 was picking out new glasses, I bought myself some pretzel sticks and settled on the bench outside of Lenscrafters to wait for her. When I sat down, I did so with more force than I intended. I glanced at the other person sitting on the bench to find that she was glaring at me with unbridled hostility.

"Sorry," I smiled.
"What are you sorry about," she replied, still staring at me.
"I'm sorry I shook the bench so hard."
"You don't need to be sorry about that. I'm done taking sorry as an excuse for everything. People say they are sorry all the time but that is just some bullshit."

And she gathered her belongings and stalked off.

My Daily Treat

2005-07-27T23:07:00.000-04:00

One of my favorite things are Flavigny flavored candies. I'm not too picky; I like the anise, lavender, jasmine and (newly discovered) rose flavors equally. I have (at least) one each night before I go to bed.

I discovered lavender pastilles when I was five - I loved the container and begged to have some and then I had to actually eat them! I've been hooked ever since and have now decided that others' lives are lacking if they do not know the delicious joy that is a flower flavored pastille. One taste and you are in Provence and that ain't a bad place to be.

General Question to the Assembly

2005-07-27T23:04:00.000-04:00

Why does Jon Stewart suck so much in the new studio?

3YO:	[My cousins] call Mommy zia!
e:	Do you know why they call her that?
3YO:	They...they don’t know her name!
e:	(Hiding laughter) Well, your mommy is Italian and zia is Italian for aunty. Like how Dora calls her aunty tia in Spanish.
3YO:	Your mommy's Italian!